Sabrina!

Since I'm on an Archie spin-off kick, I figured we'd continue with that theme with America's favorite abomination unto the Lord, Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch!

 I guess "leaving the decrepit, unsafe house" never occurred to any of them.

 So her aunts are plotting not two feet behind her, and Sabrina's just smiling vacantly. I guess those tight sweaters cut off circulation to the brain.

 The warlocks realize they're men, right? They can just go to Congress, tell their fellow men about the evil witches in their midst, and then get the marshmallows ready.

 ... I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 PLEASE. We all know the first thing Jughead would do if he had magic powers would be to conjure up a hamburger the size of a Chrysler.

 And, again, we have an Archie heroine sending the wrong message to girls about food and body image.

He's hanging upside down so no one will realize they couldn't get Crispin Glover to reprise the role.