Monday, December 20, 2010

My Christmas List

Hey, all! Hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season as we enter this final stretch before Christmas. I thought I'd share a few items from my letter to Santa. Here we go!

1) A live-action Herculoids movie: Because that would be awesome

2) Gargoyles Season 2 Volume 2: Dammit, Disney, stop being the Grinch who steals my Christmas and release this on DVD already! And while you're at it, renew the license with SLG so's I can get more Gargoyles comics!

3) A three year moratorium on company wide comic book crossovers: I can't take it anymore!

4) Teen Titans: The Judas Contract full length animated DVD: When DC and WB Animation first announced their DC DVD animated features, one of the films promised was The Judas Contract. Three years later, no Judas Contract. There have been plenty of films featuring Superman and Batman, but no Judas Contract! That makes Baby Jesus cry.

5) Romance!: Maybe, this holiday season, some 12th level Mamacita with 18/00 in Intelligence and Charisma, with several ranks of the Attractive feat, will manage to break through the GM screen around my heart, roll a natural 20 on a seduction roll, and thus cause me to fail my saving throw versus love.

Finally, I'd like for Glenn Beck to man up and accept my challenge already! Come on, Glenn! What are you, chicken? Is your name Glenn Beck, or Glenn Beak? Wait, that was terrible. Are you Glenn Beck, or Glenn Peck For Corn? No, that was even worse. Wait, I got it. Is your name Glenn Beck, or Glenn Buh-kawk*! You big chicken!

*"Buh-kawk" is, obviously, the sound a chicken makes.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Big Shot Christmas

The Golden Age series Big Shots (alternatively Big Shot Comics) didn't have a long run, but they did manage to rack up quite a few holiday covers in their hundred or so issues. So, let's take a look-see!

I was really hoping one of those kids would get a hoop and stick.

... Honestly, I got nothing for this one. This cover makes the Mexican Santa Claus movie look sane and logical.

"Santa, this Christmas I want immunity from any lawsuits that might be filed from the creators of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or the Absent-Minded Professor!"

Y'know, if you added just a touch more shadow to this cover, it goes from being a delightful holiday scene to an image from a horror comic.

I'm almost positive that this is how they celebrate Christmas in Japan.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hero for Hire for the Holidays!

Since it's the holiday season, one of the things I wanted to do was a Yuletide tribute to Luke Cage. Because, as you know, his catchphrase is "Sweet Christmas!" Unfortunately, there are no covers depicting the Hero for Hire in a Christmas setting, and I've been unable to find any fan art to that effect. You have failed me, Interntet.

So, I decided to do the next best thing. One of my favorite pieces of Christmas lore is "Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." So, I got to thinking, what if Luke Cage had written it? With the help of an online English to Jive translator (real thing, google it if you don't believe me), here is what that may look like. And yes, I'm well aware that this might be the single most offensive thing I've ever done.

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, yo' little homeys is wrong. What it is, Mama! Dey gots been affected by de skep'icism uh a skep'ical age. Dey do not recon' 'sept [whut] dey see. Dey dink dat nodin' kin be which be not comprehensible by deir little minds. All minds, Virginia, wheda' dey be men's o' children's, is little. In dis great universe uh ours joker is some mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared wid de boundless wo'ld about him, as measho' mand by de intelligence capable uh graspin' de whole uh trud and knowledge.

Yeah man, VIRGINIA, dere be a Santa Claus. He 'esists as certainly as love and generosity and devoshun 'esist, and ya' know dat dey abound and cut to yo' life its highest beauty and joy. Slap mah fro! Alas! Right on! how dreary would be da damn wo'ld if dere wuz no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if dere wuz no VIRGINIAS. Dere would be no childlikes faid den, no poetry, no romance t'make tolerable dis 'esistence. We should gots no enjoyment, 'sept in sense and sight. Man! De eternal light wid which childhood fills de wo'ld would be 'estin'uished.

Not recon' in Santa Claus! Right on! You's might as well not recon' in fairies! Right on! You's might dig yo' papa t'hire dudes to watch in all de chimneys on Christmas Eve t'catch Santa Claus, but even if dey dun did not see Santa Claus comin' waaay down, whut would dat prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but dat be no sign dat dere be no Santa Claus. De most real doodads in de wo'ld is dose dat neida' children no' dudes can see. Did ya' eva' see fairies boogeyin' on de lawn? Of course not, but dat's no proof dat dey is not dere. Nobody kin conceive o' imagine all de wonders dere is unseen and unseeable in de wo'ld.

You's may tear apart da damn baby's rattle and see whut makes de noise inside, but dere be a veil coverin' de unseen wo'ld which not da damn strongest man, no' even de united strengd uh all de strongest dudes dat eva' lived, could tear apart. Man! Only faid, fancy, poetry, love, romance, kin push aside dat curtain and view and picture da damn supuh'nal beauty and glo'y beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all dis wo'ld dere be nodin' else real and abidin'.

No Santa Claus! Right on! Dank God! Right on! he lives, and he lives fo'ever. Ah be baaad... A dousand years fum now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten dousand years fum now, he gots'ta continue t'make glad da damn heart uh childhood.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Christmas with the Marvel Family!

So, it's December now, so that means I can officially start being all Christmasy without the Grinchy McScrooges of the world trying to poop on my holiday party. So, at random intervals this month, I will post all manner of Christmas things, from holiday covers, to remembering old goofy tv specials, to whatever strikes my fancy.

I decided to start off this yuletide shindig with a Big Red Cheeselog, with holiday covers featuring the World's Mighiest Mortal, Captain Marvel! For those of you who don't know about the good Captain, this should explain things. Anyway, I love Captain Marvel. When I was a kid, I had one of those children's books with the gold spine (do they still make those? My fellow old fogeys know what I'm talking about, right?) starring Captain and Mary Marvel. A circus train derailed, and the Marvel Family rushed in to save the day. They then stayed on to help put on the Mightiest Show on Earth. It was a fun, whimsical little story, and I've had a fondness for Cap ever since.

So, here are some covers from Fawcett's Golden Age. For the record, while I'll do my obligatory joke, I find the lion's share of these absolutely charming. Here we go!

Santa seems to be enjoying Cap's "chimney" a little TOO much, if you catch my drift.

"Merry Christmas, St. Paul! Go f*** yourself, Duluth!"

You know, I always expect CM3 to say "God Bless Us, Everyone!" Also, who knew St. Nick was a cosplayer?

If Billy and Cap are separate, then they must be at the Rock of Eternity, which can only mean that Giant Santa has come to wreak havoc on the cosmos! FLEE!!!

Santa looks grumpy, probably because this year Cap filed that restraining order....

Now I have a bizarre idea for a story where Gorilla Grodd is taught the meaning of Christmas with Sherlock Monk as Christmas past, Detective Chimp as Christmas Present, and Dr. Zaius as Christmas Yet to Come.

Darn it, Santa, I asked for mint-in-box!

"Put my ornament highest on the tree. Santa's always trying to do something creepy with it ever since I stopped letting him cling tenaciously to my buttocks."

"Darn it, Santa, first you give me a bunch of packageless action figures, then you give me comics without bags or boards! Do you know nothing of resale value?!?"

From now on, I will wish everyone a Mighty Christmas!