Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Spooktacular!

Hi, all! It's Halloween, so that means it's time to scare up some goofy horror covers!

No, no; that's TOO horrific...

Have we learned nothing from Jack Kirby? Embodiments of Death are only cool if they're NOT on skis!

Hey, it's a Christine O'Donnell comic!

Yes, apparently even Poe's "Cask of Amontillado" is not spared the curse of embarrassing, uncalled-for sequels.

"Hey dere, folks! Can I use yer phone? Dat no good Human Torch tricked me into walking thru some mud, so now I got's to call my buddy Stretch to come take me to Baxter Building so's I can take a shower!"

Q: If his nose is between his eyes, then how does he sneeze?
A: Very carefully.

Well, that's what you get for marrying a furry.

The Grim Reaper is really upset that that route only has an express line and not a local.

Those ghouls must have been trying to explain the ending of Lost.

You know, I'd believe she was trapped in a glass tube a lot better if the logo weren't BEHIND her.

Now, for this next one, I want you to pay close attention to the lady in red....

"Oh, I hate monsters! Maybe if I dyed my hair blonde, they'd stop coming after me?"

"No good! Maybe I should just move?"

"You know what it is? It's the blouse! It's the only one I wear, and it's starting to stink; I'll bet the smell is what's attracting the monsters. I'll go take a shower and change into something else."

I think I saw this on Cinemax the other night....

"They're playing smooth jazz! RUN!!!"

Happy Halloween, folks!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Consult Your Doctor If Your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Hours....

Well, it's election season, and everyone's in a tizzy about this candidate or that one. Now, I had initially envisioned this blog as avoiding politics, but I feel it would be a disservice if I did not comment on the electoral proceedings in some fashion.

Anyway, candidates like Gates and Quislet seem to be the most popular, but that's discounting the proven experience of Cosmic Boy, Colossal Boy or Shrinking Violet, and... What's that? Midterms? No. Oh, my no. No, I'm talking about the Legion of Superheroes elections! Because deciding who should lead a team of superheroes in the 31st Century holds my attention a lot better than the current nonsense that passes for politics today. So, I'll discuss my views, though I'm admittedly not the first to do so.

"Listen up, America! Can we trust Braniac 5? He's the descendant of a killer robot! And where's the money for his campaign coming from? Let's take a look at some possibilities...."

So, here's my two cents on the election to choose a new leader for what is arguably the biggest band of douchebags in the 31st Century.

Yes, being able to shoot lasers from your eyes is "ordinary".

Essentially, you should vote for whomever you want, because in the grand scheme of things it won't matter. Here's why...

1) The creative/ editorial team will just do whatever the hell they want anyway. This isn't the first time DC has gone the polling route. I remember when the relaunched the Titans following Dan Jurgens' run. They set up a poll where you could vote for your favorite line-up and favorite character; the results would determine who would be on the new team. After tallying the results, the new team would be... the original five? Even Aqualad? Bull. We all know that the only incarnation that anyone gives a crap about is the Wolfman/ Perez lineup. However, Devin Grayson was writing the book, and she had a hard-on for the original group, so she'd be damned if she was going to write about anyone else. Truth be told, she could basically write whatever the hell she wanted, as she was dating Mark Waid at the time, who had almost as much clout in the mid-to-late 90's as Geoff Johns does today.

2) The Legion will just undergo a continuity reboot in a few years anyway, meaning this election will have never happened. Since the Legion's creation, conservative estimates suggest that they have been rebooted no less than 37 times. Honestly, Legion continuity is a mess. It's no surprise, though; DC loves to make the backstory of beloved characters as convoluted and confusing as possible (see also: Hawkman). At this point, they may as well change the name of the group to The Legion of Donna Troys.

Now, even assuming that a) DC actually listens to the fans, and b) Legion continuity manages to stay stable for a length of time, there's still a good chance your vote won't matter. Why? Well, that brings me to my third point.

3) In a few years, Judd Winnick will write a story that essentially reverses the decision of the voters. The man simply does not respect the sanctity of 1-800 toll free telephone poll, so can we really believe he'll respect this decision?

So there you have it. A heaping dollop of apathy. All three points probably apply to the real elections, too. Don't believe me?

Devin Grayson wrote that headline; she was inspired after penning some Thomas Dewey fan-fiction on the Chicago Tribune message boards.

Yes, I'm very cynical. But said cynicism stems from what I feel is a gross oversight in the Legion polls. After all, they've left out one of the most important characters in Legion history. Superman/ Superboy? No. Lightning Lad? No. I'm talking about the one, the only... Jamm.

No, "Jamm" with TWO m's.

*Sigh* Never mind.

Anyway, Jamm was one of the many new characters introduced during DC's Bloodline event. He was a kewl skater dude who got bitten by an alien parasite and travelled to the future where he used his newly discovered power of suggestion to engage in a most noble pursuit- convincing hot alien babes to flash their breasts.

Honestly? If I had superpowers, I'd use them to score with women too.

Also, he was a KEWLskateboarder, did I mention that?

Pictured- what DC Editorial circa 1993 thought was cool.

So, this election season, vote for the young, outsider, maverick candidate. Vote Jamm.

This message paid for by the People's Prodigious Platform and the Obscure 90's Characters Union.

Monday, October 25, 2010

He just won't stop....

Uwe Boll. The very name conjures up feelings of nausea. The man has made some of the worst movies ever. It's sad that Mystery Science Theater 3000 ended, because they'd have had a field day with his crap.

Joel, after watching Bloodrayne.

I'd say Uwe Boll is to movies what Rob Liefeld is to comics, but I like Rob Liefeld (even if I do bust on him mercilessly).

The reason I bring this up is because Uwe Boll has a new film in the works: Blubberella. Billed as "the first fat female superhero", Uwe Boll is attempting to do for the overweight what smallpox did for free blankets.

However, much like Glenn Beck, Uwe Boll has made a mistake, and much like Beck, has left a wide opening for me to boot some truth like an enema of justice!

In the late 80's and early 90's, John Byrne wrote West Coast Avengers (later called Avengers West Coast, because Marvel has OCD). This was back when Byrne only dabbled in bats*** insanity, unlike later in his career.

Anyway, Byrne introduced the Great Lakes Avengers. One of said heroes was Big Bertha. Observe!

Oh, snap! I guess Blubberella isn't the first fat superhero at all! Take that, Uwe Boll!

Anyway, this marks my 97th blog post! We are fast approaching my 100th post blogstravaganza! As a reminder, I will have a major announcement! What could it be? Well, I let you in on something: you can find a hint in one of my posts. Will you guess what it is?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Should we call it "The Scarab Gambit" now?

As you, dear readers, are no doubt aware by now, I'm very much obsessed with Disney's Gargoyles. Likewise, astute followers of my blog will notice I've taken a shine to Alex Ross's Project Superpowers series. But did you realize that both have more in common than my adoration?

It came to my attention that both series share similarities in regards to certain characters. In Gargoyles, you have the character of David Xanatos. He's the suave, wealthy pseudo-antagonist of the Manhattan Clan. In P:SP, you have Amon Khadul, aka The Scarab, the suave, wealthy pseudo-ally of the returned Golden Age heroes.

These two characters share many traits; so much so that it's quite possible they're really the same character. Observe the evidence!

1) Both are wealthy, handsome businessmen of Mediterranean descent- Xanatos is Greek, Khadul is Middle Eastern, quite possibly Egyptian.

2) Xanatos made his fortune by selling a rare coin that he came across, then using the proceeds and his natural genius to parlay that into a multi-billion dollar empire. Khadul made his fortune by selling a rare scarab amulet he found, then using the proceeds and his natural genius to parlay that into a multi-billion dollar empire.

"Intriguing. Go on..."

3) Both have incredible aptitude in science, specifically electronics.

4) Both have developed incredibly advanced suits of battle armor that overcome their lack of superpowers.

Though the Scarab's armor is a bit more sleek.

5) Xanatos is a member of the Illuminati, a secret group that secretly controls the world. In secret. Khadul is a member of the Supremacy, a clandestine group that... uh... clandestinely controls the world.

6) You're never sure which side either one is really on.

7) Xanatos hangs out with Goliath, a large, intimidating gargoyle named after an Old Testament strong man. Khadul hangs out with Samson, a large, intimidating superhero who might actually BE an Old Testament strong man.

Now, you're probably saying that these are highly coincedental. That happens in comic-booky type stuff. After all, the X-Men are basically just the Doom Patrol with more popularity and fewer deformities. Well, I've saved the most telling proof for last. Prepare to have your mind blown.

8) The name of the firm which manufactures all of Xanatos's high-tech equipment is called SCARAB ROBOTICS!!!

My mind has been blown!!!

Now, I'm not accusing Alex Ross or any of his collaborators of plagiarism. What I am suggesting is that perhaps he should make a donation to Greg Weisman or any of the other creators of Gargoyles. He can mail the check out to me, I'll make sure they get it. Oh, and make it out to "Cash". Mwa-ha-haaa! (Now why did I type that last part out?)

Also, this is my 96th post. We are drawing ever closer to my epic, 100th post extravaganza. I promise you I will have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! What could it be? Can you stand the suspense?!?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Five Stages

In this era of media proliferation, it's easy to miss news. After all, when all you hear is hubbub about whether or not Christine O'Donnell is a witch (she says she's not, but really, isn't that EXACTLY what a witch would say if caught?), you tend to enter a fugue state.

So, perhaps it's absolutely reasonable then that I missed some sad news. The third season of Batman: The Brave and the Bold will be it's last.

Here is what I went through upon learning this news. By posting it, I hope you readers will be able to cope easier than I did.

Denial: "What? Why? It's a successful, critically acclaimed show! People love it! I love it! Why would they do it?!?"

Anger: "Because Warner Brothers are jerks, that's why! I'll give them a piece of my mind!!!"

Bargaining: "Better yet, I'll see what I can do to spread awareness of the show! I'll post links on my blog, drive up sales... There's no way WB will let it die then!"

Despair: "Except, that really didn't work with Gargoyles, did it? I'm STILL waiting for Disney to release Season 2 Volume 2! WB will probably pull the same kind of nonsense, meaning I'll never see 'Mayhem of the Music Meister' on DVD!"

Acceptance: "Hmmm... When's the Young Justice cartoon start?"

Monday, October 4, 2010

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Zack Snyder!

Since you're reading this, it's most likely you have internet access. That means you've probably heard that Christopher Nolan, the man who brought us good Batman movies, has tapped Zack Snyder to direct his new Superman movie.

Hopefully, this will wash the bad taste of Superman Returns out. Oh, and I was so happy back then, when I heard that Bryan Singer, the man who made X-Men movies, would helm the film about the Man of Steel! Of course, what wound up happening is that both Superman and X-Men suffered as TWO crap movies were the result of his decision. There's a fine line between homage and plagiarism, and Singer crossed it repeatedly with Superman Returns.

Now, Zack Snyder seems like a good choice. I liked 300, because I am a man, and I liked Watchmen, which I thought was one of the finest comic movies I've seen (call me a heretic, but I think I'd rank it above Nolan's Bat-films). I remain cautiously optimistic.

However, I won't get too excited until actual production begins. I remember the 90's, when there was talk of a Superman movie. First, Tim Burton was going to do it. Then Kevin Smith was going to do it and even wrote a script. Matrix-esque costumes were discussed. Then, at some point, Nic Cage was involved.

It's almost as unitentionally hilarious as The Wicker Man. Almost.

So, while everyone's buzzing, let's tone it down a scosh. Remember, at one time Joss Whedon was going to bring us Wonder Woman, and now that task has fallen into the hands of the man who brought us Ally McBeal, an award-winning comedy that wasn't terribly funny. So, perspective is what I'm asking for.

Sweet Christmas!

So, apparently Isaiah Mustafa, the Old Spice Guy, wants to play Luke Cage. Assuming, that is, that Marvel hurries up and gets the long rumored Luke Cage movie anywhere resembling production.

As far as casting decisions, do I think Mustafa would make a good Hero for Hire? Let me put it this way: there are good ideas, and there are great ideas. This is so far beyond a great idea that it could warp the space-time continuum.

First, Mustafa's commercials are arguably the best Old Spice commercials; I say "arguably" because let's not forget those OS commercials featuring Bruce Campbell. Hungry Like the Wolf indeed.

Second, Mustafa was on NBC's Chuck last week, and he was absolutely magnificent. If he can bring the same kind of presence to a Luke Cage movie, then, at the risk of invoking hyperbole, that movie would be better than Citizen Kane and The Godfather COMBINED.

Now, I'm not gay, but if I were, I wouldn't say no....

Now, obviously, Mustafa would be most suited to the Seventies, smooth cat version of Cage. Still, I'd take my Power Man anyway I can get it. Jive turkeys beware.

Luke Cage, moments after listening to Glenn Beck's radio program.

Friday, October 1, 2010


So, a recent study has shown that old people read comics. And not old like me, even though in my day comics were good stuff, when heroes didn't look ridiculous, no sir! They had pony tails, and scruffy beards, and pouched belts over their thighs!

Where was I? Oh, right. Though some may think me old, this article is regarding those over the age of 65. My first thought was "How can I capitalize on this?" I mean, if old people are reading comics, then there's a good chance that old people read comics blogs as well, provided their grandkids showed them how to work the computer.

So, for the better part of the day, I've been brainstorming as to how I could make my blog more accessible to the Silver Foxes. Here are the fruits of my labor.

Senior specific ads- As you can see to the left, I've provided a link for Metamucil, which is necessary for seniors who want fiber regularity combined with great taste. Future blogs will feature adds for Centrum Silver, Fixodent, and Depends Undergarments.

Larger Print- Sometimes, the default font size of my blog might be a strain on the eyes of my more elderly readers. To address this, I will periodically switch to a larger font, especially when the topic is of interest to an older demographic. Observe...

How about those Archie comics? Jughead should watch his diet, or else he's at a greater risk for heart disease and diabetes!

Topics Old People Like- This might be the hardest thing to accomplish, as the article didn't really go into detail as to what kinds of comics old people were buying. Still, I have an inkling about seniors' tastes, so let's get started!