The most horrific thing....

Well, I fell somewhat short of my 31 post challenge, but that's okay. I'm going to try something similar starting tomorrow for November. Anyway, to conclude Helloween, here's something truly horrifying, something that will scar your soul.... MORE JERRY LEWIS COVERS!!!

 "Hmm... Fiery death or Jerry Lewis... Which is less gruesome?"

 I don't think we've had a cover yet with that disgusting little troll of a child yet. That's Jerry's nephew, Renfrew. Initially, he's a little hellion who causes problems, but eventually his role on the cover is reduced to saying something obvious to a humorous setup, hereby known as the Jay Leno Method of "Comedy".

 Ha-ha-haa! Jerry got poked in the pooper! That's funny right? ... Kill me.

 Maybe it shows what a curmudgeonly old man I've become, but my first reaction on seeing this cover was, "Now THAT'S funny!" Seriously, look at all the business going on there. Dogs, a boothill, sharks, and Colonel Klink! Even the name "Camp Wack-a-boy" is worth a chuckle, thanks to modern connotations!

 I'm rooting for the Joker on this one.

 You know you're comic is bad when you're stealing ideas from Jimmy Olsen.

 I know that no one's accused the people of Metropolis of being brain surgeons, but this stretches my suspension of disbelief to the breaking point.

 Ha! Another villain mistakes Jerry for the hero! And it's STILL funny (not really). Also, check out Barry Allen- he looks as pissed as Captain America did during the Superpro team-up.

 I know, but that IS apparently Wonder Woman. The 60's and 70's were a period where bad things happened to the Amazon Princess, including teaming up with Jerry and being written by Denny O'Neill.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

More Jimmy Olsen!

Since it's that time I've year, I figured I'd devote one of my Helloween posts to a youngster who's always in some kind of costume and causing assorted hijinx- Jimmy Olsen! And for those playing the Jimmy Olsen drinking game, get a bottle ready. Here we go!

 I'm generally opposed to war, but in this case I'll make an exception.

 Take three shots. Also, I love how nonchalant Jimmy is, no matter what's happening. Three doppelgangers show up to kill him, and he's all "Fantastic!"

 Superman, they only thing you're saving Jimmy from is getting laid. I didn't know that cock-blocking was a superpower. Also, take a shot.

 Yes, they did this story before. At least the last time, Superman and his son tried saving people instead of just goofing around.

 The question no one dared to ask, because it's kind of stupid. Also, I count cutting indestructible hair as a superpower, so take a shot.

 Jack Kirby was definitely a brilliant comic talent, but he also had some really, REALLY stupid ideas. Like here, where Superman and company meet Don Rickles and his "evil" twin.

 There's hyperbole, and then there's flat-out deceit. Unless this issue is the one with the first appearance of Darkseid (and I'm too lazy to check), I'm guessing this blurb is the latter.

 Is that the best YOU can come up with for a cover, Superman creative team?

All this time, The Question's secret identity was not Vic Sage, but Liberace!

Can you stand the excitement!

Here we go with some more Exciting Comics!

 Black Terror didn't actually realize a crime was taking place; he'd been watching Santa With Muscles and got so enraged that he punched the first guy he saw.

 Again with the "Keep Out" signs! That's like an engraved invitation to crime-fighters!

 It's good to know that there are exit signs at the U.S. Mint.

 I love how Terror's first reaction is to punch the guy instead of putting out the rapidly spreading fire.

 Before she married Fred, Wilma Flinstone did some work she's not proud of.

 "Even if I don't kill him, I'm sure to WING him!"
"Dangit, Fred, we've talked about this...."

Finally, more excitement!

 I'm really starting to wonder if artists back then even knew what Asian people looked like.

 Um... Aren't ambulances non-combatant vehicles? Those are actually rules.

 I'd like to point out that the Black Terror can't fly, so catching the bomb isn't going to do a helluva lot.

 You're shooting them WHILE you're crushing them with a steam roller? Talk about adding injury to injury.

 ... Why would the Germans write "Anti-Tank Barrier" in English?

 Poison candy? So the Nazis are the ones who ruined Halloween for everybody!

 Look at how many arrows are in the target by Kid Terror over there. It's a good thing those Ren-Faire carnies are such lousy shots, because it looks like BT took his sweet time.

"Black Terror, thank God! Those hoodlums tricked us with promises of pictures of naked... I mean, hooch. They told us there was booze up here."

Scratch that Witch!

And now, our look at Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch concludes.

 Trust me, I've heard worse solutions to the "I need dates" problem....

 Why do witches even need a car? They have brooms!

 Oh please! Like you need a love charm to attract cats. A dead fish will have the same effect!

 Just like a woman to make a man do all the work, amiright fellas? (Ladies, all hate mail yadda yadda....)

 ... I initially misread Sabrina's shirt as "Boob Power".

 Why is she holding Ron Jeremy's pants?

 A truly inspiring cover about inclusiveness and difference. Which is why Archie Comics waited until 2010 to introduce a gay character.

Remember, in the Archie Universe, the only way to get thin people and overweight people to mingle is via the dark arts.

Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Make Bad Jokes

 Man, Archie Comics gets a lot of mileage out of eating disorder gags.

 Heaven forbid that men have interests apart from fawning over girls.

 ... I don't even want to know what "bat chips" are made from.

 Considering the amount of love potions and love spells running amok, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Riverdale's Special Victims Unit gets a lot of work.

 Oh, come now! Genies invented algebra!

 Please note that one of the banned activities is "fighting", so that means that Sabrina's idea of a good time is inciting people to violence.

This was back when people didn't really understand how microwaves work.

More to come!

Sabrina!

Since I'm on an Archie spin-off kick, I figured we'd continue with that theme with America's favorite abomination unto the Lord, Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch!

 I guess "leaving the decrepit, unsafe house" never occurred to any of them.

 So her aunts are plotting not two feet behind her, and Sabrina's just smiling vacantly. I guess those tight sweaters cut off circulation to the brain.

 The warlocks realize they're men, right? They can just go to Congress, tell their fellow men about the evil witches in their midst, and then get the marshmallows ready.

 ... I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 PLEASE. We all know the first thing Jughead would do if he had magic powers would be to conjure up a hamburger the size of a Chrysler.

 And, again, we have an Archie heroine sending the wrong message to girls about food and body image.

He's hanging upside down so no one will realize they couldn't get Crispin Glover to reprise the role.