The Stunning Conclusion to the Josie and the Pussycats Entries!

 I'm pretty sure every male in the Archie Universe is a girl-crazy lunkhead (with the obvious exception of  Kevin Keller.)

 Oh, Archie comics! Leave it to you to take complex sociopolitical issues and turn them into bad jokes about flatware!

 Yes, promiscuity is a synonym for "lucky" apparently.

 You may think Alexandra is being mean here, but I'm definitely getting a Captain Kangaroo vibe off of Josie's outfit.

 Casting couch jokes aside, please bare in mind that one of the girls in question is HIS SISTER.

And now, hot pants!

 Because the threat of child abuse is funny!

So, she eats like a pig and still has her dainty, hourglass figure? Yeah, THAT won't mess up any young girls reading this comic....

Faster, Josie & The Pussycats, Kill, Kill!

Let us continue our look at the... *ahem* macabre, supernatural adventures of three girls in a band, shall we? (That's rhetorical, mind you; you don't actually get a choice.)

 HOLY S***! Most of the "spooky" covers are of the Scooby Doo "Gosh, gang, we've got a mystery on our hands" style. This one though implies that the characters believe that Josie has been brutally murdered and her skull left in the middle of a festering swamp. That's pretty dark.

 Every now and then, the creators of the various Archie titles seem to just go bats*** nuts. Nothing says "light-hearted teen romp" like armed gunman using the protagonist as a human shield.

 I'm betting whoever receives "The Mummy's Kiss" is gonna need a lot of cold sore remedies.

 And I thought the Native Americans in Peter Pan were offensive....

 You're not too late to save her! She's right there! Run up and push the monster away while someone else grabs her! It's not like he can see it coming!

 ... What the hell is Alan Moore doing there?

 Oh, just give her some Midol, and she'll be back to normal. (Yes, that was a PMS joke. No, I'm not proud of it. Please leave all hate mail in the form of comments.)

So, an ice cream shop with only one flavor? That raises a whole host of questions for a joke that's not particularly funny.

Maybe they're were-creatures...?

My continuing mission to seek out horror comics and make fun of the covers continues as I bring you a series that is rich with the grim and macabre- Josie & The Pussycats! ... Waitasec, Josie & The Pussycats? Let me double-check the Grand Comic Database... Yeah, it's listed as "horror". Huh. Well, I've got to fill up 31 posts this month, so here we go!

 I'll admit that I'm not well-versed on my extended Archie-verse lore, but I was surprised to learn that Alexandra there is a witch. Archie hasn't been very consistent with it's portrayal of witchcraft. Sabrina seemed to be a hereditary witch, while Alexandra seems to be the only one in her family with the mojo. Maybe it's a recessive gene, or maybe I'm thinking way too much about this.

 See? Witch. Also, it's funny because fat kids shouldn't fall in love with hot girls! Ha-ha-haaaa!

 The dress actually looks better, now.

 Okay, this is a little weird. Previous covers have followed the typical Archie comic formula (lame joke), but here the Pussycats are full-out crimefighting. With a banjo.

 Nothing undercuts your special environmental message like not one but TWO bad jokes.

 When you're born with the name "Branewash", you may as well accept that you're going to grow up to be a misanthropic genius with crackpot schemes.

 You may say this is a dismissal of the feminist movement, but considering how other comics of the time treated Women's Lib, this is actually a very nuanced and enlightened endorsement by comparison.

And we're back to the weird. That dude's either some grim specter or just a run of the mill pervert who likes to watch three young nubile girls.

More to come!

Nothing's ever just "canny" in comics...

We continue our look at horror comic covers with Marvel's Uncanny Tales. 

 Okay, the arms are freaky, but I'll admit- my first reaction to this was, "She's pretty cute."

 "When you have bladder control problems, it feels like your lower body is liquifying and dribbling onto the street. But with Uncannix, you can take control of your bladder and feel solid again."

 "Monsters are just inventions of that damned liberal media! Like climate change!"

 I'd say that guy should sue Vonntor, but no lawyer would take that case; after all, he doesn't have a leg to stand on! *rimshot*

 "I Live With Corpses"- Today on Dr. Phil.
 

 Really? A flashlight? As far as stupid monster weaknesses go, that's up there with "Vampires have OCD, so they're compelled to pick stuff off of the ground".

 ... They're not even trying with this one.

 "Hmm. I'm invisible; what should I wear? Hat, tie with built in collar, shoes, and socks with garters. That should disgust everyone!"

 The Pharaoh appears to be doing nothing more uncanny than taking a leisurely stroll on a lovely day.

 At least this invisible man's wearing pants.

Building a Weird Mystery

And now, Helloween continues. This time, we look at DC's Weird Mystery Tales.

 The poor Lusitania. It never gets any maudlin stories. It's always "Titanic this" and "Titanic that".

 "Either those curtains go, or I do!"

 Insert Michael Jackson joke here.

 You remember those romance comic covers I posted with people smooching underwater? This is the part they don't want you to see.

 Disney's Pocahontas: Monster Hunter!

 He's going barefoot because, frankly, the alligator shoes would make it tacky.

 The title is just there. "Fire Dance". No exposition, no tagline, not even an exclamation point. It's as matter-of-fact as a bus sign.

 "SAAAAAAMMM!"

 John Carpenter's Teddy Ruxpin

It Conquered the World!

I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'll discuss it more in depth a bit later, but in the meantime I thought it would be fun to reinterpret Peter Graves' classic monologue from the episode "It Conquered the World" through the Bad Translator!

This is the end. And animal emotions. The universe is infinite. Sent to the person responsible for the property. I killed the first line, an unusual building in the morning, and I hate the heat. People always try to find and pain, but is this does not apply, you will receive. If there is no hope, but the people.

The Wonder Of It All...

And now, Helloween continues with some monster covers! Here's some from Marvel's Weird Wonder Tales!

 Galactus is standing just off panel, saying "That guy's stealing my bit!"

When asked about this, Ben Grimm said, "I ain't never dated no capuchin monkeys! I don't care what she says!"

 So, this "doctor" just happens to walk around his lab with no shirt?

 Mister Morgan's Monster? Oh, they must mean his mother-in-law! *rimshot* Here all week, folks! Try the veal!

 For an undead terror, he's very well dressed. Eddie Bauer- proud sponsor of Rampaging Murderous Skeletons.

 Just off panel, Ego the Living Planet's about to say something, and Galactus is telling him, "I know, dude."

Why is it always monsters to pop out of TV shows? Why can't it ever be Christina Hendricks?