Saturday, March 5, 2011

The key word is "terror".

Back in August, I signed up for Google Analytics. A truly remarkable tool, it compiles data about the various readers to this site. Nothing personal, mind you, at least nothing I can access; I'm sure Google HQ has much more info they're keeping to themselves. Regardless, it lets me know what pages are being visited and how often, and the general geographic location of the visits. Fore example, did you know that the most visits I've received from a non-English speaking country are from Brazil? On a totally unrelated topic, I've come to the conclusion that, should they ever get into a fight, soccer legend Pele (in his prime) could totally trounce Batman.

Furthermore, it also shows me what Google searches have led to people coming to my blog. Some of these make sense; I've written about Gargoyles on numerous occasions, and people searching for Gargoyles have found my site. Furthermore, A LOT of people are interested in Big Bertha from the Great Lakes Avengers. However, some of these search terms are weird, disturbing, or nonsensical. Here are some of the ones that have had an affect on me. By the way, feel free to browse through my blog's archives; it'll provide context for some of these, and might even shed light on some of the more unfathomable search-terms.

untold teena more detail untold teena- Now I'm wondering who "teena" is and why her life has gone untold. I want "more detail".

are templars voodoo priests- Okay, yes, the Knights Templar are lumped in with a lot of conspiracy theories and occult shenanigans, but seriously? Voodoo, as we know it, was created hundreds of years after they died out, and in another hemisphere to boot!

ass toyed- ... Hey, whatever you're into, more power to you. Just don't let me know about it.

batman superman gay, batman superman public enemies gay moments, superman batman gay- Here, I've lumped several related searches together. And it makes sense. The Dark Knight and the Man of Steel are totally gay for each other, and good for them.

batman the brave and bold sexy girls- I love Batman: The Brave and the Bold, but quite frankly, "sexy" is a term I hope isn't applied to it TOO often. It's a show for kids, for pity's sake! I have no problems with cartoon characters being sexualized, but wait until the show's been of the air for a few years before you start with you slash-fiction.

buzz buzz janet van dyne hentai- Ernest Hemmingway showed that you can write a story with six words, full of emotion and poignancy. THIS search proves that six words can instill within in me a primal dread. First, it's a shame that Marvel's Wasp (aka Janet Van Dyne) is subject to all manner of sexual objectification, as I've always thought she was one of Marvel's stronger female characters. She showed active participation in her origin, and has been leader of the Avengers a time or too. Second, hentai. Since you're on the internet, I'm assuming you're at least vaguely familiar with the term. If not, be warned that finding information about it is EXTREMELY not safe for work. But even THAT's not the worst part. It's the "buzz buzz"; it terrifies me in a way that I assume is how a Lovecraft protagonist feels.

chinese chipmunk- Chinese chipmunks are American chipmunks largest trading partner, though the nuts are coated in lead paint.

fonebone mad heft- I get the fonebone part, as that was part of the title of the entry wherein I critiqued Cartoon Network's series based on Mad Magazine (short synopsis- it's awful). But the heft part is confusing. Is it street slang? When you see an attractive young lady, do you say "Man, she's got mad heft"?

george lucas wonder twins parody- I wish to GOD that this was a real thing. I would forgive all 3 prequels and the inclusion of Shia LeBouf in the Indiana Jones movies if Lucas made a Wonder Twins movie.

jimmy olsen idiot- Little else to be said on the matter of the bow-tie clad cretin.

online poker ""- I have to wonder why is in quotation marks....

santa claus and deir- Now, I've had a few searches that have included Russian characters (which I didn't include, as I don't know how; it's a shame because I'd love a translation). Since I apparently have international appeal, I assumed this was a Germanic language search, as "deir" reminds me of German class (despite taking years of German, the best I can manage is a few phrase about how horrendous my German is). However, it's "and deir"; in Deutsch it would be "und deir". So, now I don't know what to believe.

surprise carton face- I'm assuming this has something to do with a dairy product fetish. I don't want to dig any deeper.

swisslakia- Hail, Swisslakia! May your superhero regent and his ginormous stone golem forever protect your people and it's treasures!

teen ass streaming, teen boys love blogspot, teen voyeurs- Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't been contacted by the FBI yet if these are the search queries people are using to find my blog. Essentially, the Internet is full of perverts. In fairness, I may be jumping to conclusions regarding the middle term; "love" in that context might be a verb, as in "Those teenagers LOVE that blogspot!" I would just like to reiterate, however, how NOT a sex/fetish blog this site is.

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