Friday, October 29, 2010

Consult Your Doctor If Your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Hours....

Well, it's election season, and everyone's in a tizzy about this candidate or that one. Now, I had initially envisioned this blog as avoiding politics, but I feel it would be a disservice if I did not comment on the electoral proceedings in some fashion.

Anyway, candidates like Gates and Quislet seem to be the most popular, but that's discounting the proven experience of Cosmic Boy, Colossal Boy or Shrinking Violet, and... What's that? Midterms? No. Oh, my no. No, I'm talking about the Legion of Superheroes elections! Because deciding who should lead a team of superheroes in the 31st Century holds my attention a lot better than the current nonsense that passes for politics today. So, I'll discuss my views, though I'm admittedly not the first to do so.

"Listen up, America! Can we trust Braniac 5? He's the descendant of a killer robot! And where's the money for his campaign coming from? Let's take a look at some possibilities...."

So, here's my two cents on the election to choose a new leader for what is arguably the biggest band of douchebags in the 31st Century.

Yes, being able to shoot lasers from your eyes is "ordinary".

Essentially, you should vote for whomever you want, because in the grand scheme of things it won't matter. Here's why...

1) The creative/ editorial team will just do whatever the hell they want anyway. This isn't the first time DC has gone the polling route. I remember when the relaunched the Titans following Dan Jurgens' run. They set up a poll where you could vote for your favorite line-up and favorite character; the results would determine who would be on the new team. After tallying the results, the new team would be... the original five? Even Aqualad? Bull. We all know that the only incarnation that anyone gives a crap about is the Wolfman/ Perez lineup. However, Devin Grayson was writing the book, and she had a hard-on for the original group, so she'd be damned if she was going to write about anyone else. Truth be told, she could basically write whatever the hell she wanted, as she was dating Mark Waid at the time, who had almost as much clout in the mid-to-late 90's as Geoff Johns does today.

2) The Legion will just undergo a continuity reboot in a few years anyway, meaning this election will have never happened. Since the Legion's creation, conservative estimates suggest that they have been rebooted no less than 37 times. Honestly, Legion continuity is a mess. It's no surprise, though; DC loves to make the backstory of beloved characters as convoluted and confusing as possible (see also: Hawkman). At this point, they may as well change the name of the group to The Legion of Donna Troys.

Now, even assuming that a) DC actually listens to the fans, and b) Legion continuity manages to stay stable for a length of time, there's still a good chance your vote won't matter. Why? Well, that brings me to my third point.

3) In a few years, Judd Winnick will write a story that essentially reverses the decision of the voters. The man simply does not respect the sanctity of 1-800 toll free telephone poll, so can we really believe he'll respect this decision?

So there you have it. A heaping dollop of apathy. All three points probably apply to the real elections, too. Don't believe me?

Devin Grayson wrote that headline; she was inspired after penning some Thomas Dewey fan-fiction on the Chicago Tribune message boards.

Yes, I'm very cynical. But said cynicism stems from what I feel is a gross oversight in the Legion polls. After all, they've left out one of the most important characters in Legion history. Superman/ Superboy? No. Lightning Lad? No. I'm talking about the one, the only... Jamm.

No, "Jamm" with TWO m's.

*Sigh* Never mind.

Anyway, Jamm was one of the many new characters introduced during DC's Bloodline event. He was a kewl skater dude who got bitten by an alien parasite and travelled to the future where he used his newly discovered power of suggestion to engage in a most noble pursuit- convincing hot alien babes to flash their breasts.

Honestly? If I had superpowers, I'd use them to score with women too.

Also, he was a KEWLskateboarder, did I mention that?

Pictured- what DC Editorial circa 1993 thought was cool.

So, this election season, vote for the young, outsider, maverick candidate. Vote Jamm.

This message paid for by the People's Prodigious Platform and the Obscure 90's Characters Union.

1 comment: