Nothing's ever just "canny" in comics...

We continue our look at horror comic covers with Marvel's Uncanny Tales. 

 Okay, the arms are freaky, but I'll admit- my first reaction to this was, "She's pretty cute."

 "When you have bladder control problems, it feels like your lower body is liquifying and dribbling onto the street. But with Uncannix, you can take control of your bladder and feel solid again."

 "Monsters are just inventions of that damned liberal media! Like climate change!"

 I'd say that guy should sue Vonntor, but no lawyer would take that case; after all, he doesn't have a leg to stand on! *rimshot*

 "I Live With Corpses"- Today on Dr. Phil.
 

 Really? A flashlight? As far as stupid monster weaknesses go, that's up there with "Vampires have OCD, so they're compelled to pick stuff off of the ground".

 ... They're not even trying with this one.

 "Hmm. I'm invisible; what should I wear? Hat, tie with built in collar, shoes, and socks with garters. That should disgust everyone!"

 The Pharaoh appears to be doing nothing more uncanny than taking a leisurely stroll on a lovely day.

 At least this invisible man's wearing pants.

Building a Weird Mystery

And now, Helloween continues. This time, we look at DC's Weird Mystery Tales.

 The poor Lusitania. It never gets any maudlin stories. It's always "Titanic this" and "Titanic that".

 "Either those curtains go, or I do!"

 Insert Michael Jackson joke here.

 You remember those romance comic covers I posted with people smooching underwater? This is the part they don't want you to see.

 Disney's Pocahontas: Monster Hunter!

 He's going barefoot because, frankly, the alligator shoes would make it tacky.

 The title is just there. "Fire Dance". No exposition, no tagline, not even an exclamation point. It's as matter-of-fact as a bus sign.

 "SAAAAAAMMM!"

 John Carpenter's Teddy Ruxpin

It Conquered the World!

I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'll discuss it more in depth a bit later, but in the meantime I thought it would be fun to reinterpret Peter Graves' classic monologue from the episode "It Conquered the World" through the Bad Translator!

This is the end. And animal emotions. The universe is infinite. Sent to the person responsible for the property. I killed the first line, an unusual building in the morning, and I hate the heat. People always try to find and pain, but is this does not apply, you will receive. If there is no hope, but the people.

The Wonder Of It All...

And now, Helloween continues with some monster covers! Here's some from Marvel's Weird Wonder Tales!

 Galactus is standing just off panel, saying "That guy's stealing my bit!"

When asked about this, Ben Grimm said, "I ain't never dated no capuchin monkeys! I don't care what she says!"

 So, this "doctor" just happens to walk around his lab with no shirt?

 Mister Morgan's Monster? Oh, they must mean his mother-in-law! *rimshot* Here all week, folks! Try the veal!

 For an undead terror, he's very well dressed. Eddie Bauer- proud sponsor of Rampaging Murderous Skeletons.

 Just off panel, Ego the Living Planet's about to say something, and Galactus is telling him, "I know, dude."

Why is it always monsters to pop out of TV shows? Why can't it ever be Christina Hendricks?

And now... Helloween!

I'm back! I took something of a sabbatical from blog writing (personal stuff messed with my head), but now I have returned! And I thought what better way to get caught up than by an October special of 31 blog entries! We'll begin with something truly frightening- more internet search terms used to find my blog!

Neil Patrick Harris Sex- There were several variations on this, and though I'm on the low end of the Kinsey Scale, I can't say I blame anyone for searching like this; he's a handsome charming fellow.
Janet Van Dyne Hentai- This isn't a repeat from the last time I talked about keywords; no, no, there have been many searches with a plethora of variations. While there have been other hentai searches (like Scooby Doo and... ugh... Johnny Test), Marvel's The Wasp far outnumbers them. More to the point, she's the only superheroine specifically singled out. Think about this- there are people who say to themselves "You know that chick from The Avengers who shrinks and flies around? It'd be SO hot to see her get raped by a tentacle!"
African Nerd- The African Nerd, much like it's North American counterparts, can eat its weight in cheet-os during a session of Vampire: The Masquerade. Fiercely territorial, it guards its stash of twenty-sided dice and Batman comics from potential predators.
Blonde Female Historian- I can rationalize having to specify gender, but hair color?
Cross Dressing Jimmy Olsen- Now, to be fair, this IS actually canon. Still, like many things, it's something that should be forgotten about, much like that time Alfred Pennyworth died and came back as a mutated supervillain.
Achilles Heel Art Shaggy Tickled- It's like someone threw words at random into the search bar.
Alan Moore Without Beard- Unfathomable! It'd be like Samson, bereft of his long hair!
Cat Scrotum- ... I got nothing.
Gargoyles Goliath Shirtless- Kind of redundant, as Goliath never wore a shirt.
Alien Breasts/ Hot Alien Babes/ Hot Alien Women- Captain Kirk has visited my site many times, apparently.
I Want to Have Sex With My Uncle Gay- Again, I try not to judge, but I imagine this would make for one awkward family reunion.
Manga Jerry Lewis- Is this really a thing?
Pearl Forrester Outfit- This does my heart good. Keep circulating the tapes!
Punch in Face Comic- I think they may have been looking for this.
Stewardess Comics- You know, when I talked about romance comics, I scoffed at the idea of stewardess-centric themed stories. And yet, it's quite possible the new fall television season will prove me wrong.
The Great Velma and Daphne Debate- Yes, Velma/ Daphne ranks right up there with Lincoln/ Douglas, Nixon/ Kennedy, and Steiner/ Nowinsky.
Yank Something- Considering other search terms, I think we can assume that in this context "yank" is used as a verb and not a noun, and from that we can infer what the "something" is.
The Bees/ Not the Bees/ Bees in the Face- Well, there's only one thing to say to this...

My God, indeed.

30 to go!

Memorial Day Special!

On this day when we honor the memory of dead soldiers, I thought it would be fun to look at some more undead soldiers as we continue our look at DC's Weird War Tales!

No wonder he's crashing; he just dropped acid!

McHale's Navy- as directed by Michael Bay.

The "City of Death" is not a popular tourist destination.

General Flintstone attempts a bold strategy.

If George Lucas had included undead Commanches in space, the Star Wars prequels would've been AWESOME. Though I'm curious as to how a seemingly normal (albeit winged) horse can survive the vacuum of space.

Are we talking the original by Johnny Cash, or the Social Distortion version?

I'm pretty sure that at least one RIFTS book covered this.

Dammit, just when I thought there was no way I would EVER root for the Nazis, they go and add monkeys! Damn you, Hitler!

Happy Memorial Day, everybody!

Happy Star Wars Day!

Today is the day when nerds across the universe celebrate Star Wars, because otherwise they'd have to do something practical with their lives. To celebrate, I thought I'd take a look at some of the covers from Marvel Comics Star Wars series, which is notable for most instances of the phrase "Keep firing, Chewie!" Here we go!

 And yet, I'm betting Luke lives through this.

Moe Howard is Han Solo in Star Wars!

Fun fact about me- when I was a kid, "shooting rabbits" was my phrase for pooping. And yes, sometimes they were in fact green.

Doomworld- inhabited by the cast of Sidehackers!

If there's one thing I've learned from WCW's Halloween Havoc, it's that grim wheels of fate quickly descend into absurdity. There's probably an evil midget with an eye patch in this story.

In the futuristic setting of Star Wars, they have robots, faster-than-light travel, and lasers, but no radios, apparently.

Yes, apparently not even Mel Brooks is above plagiarism....

May the Fourth be with you, everybody!