Soldiering on....

It's Veteran's Day, a day to pay tribute to those fine men and women who've served our country with honor. They are especially deserving of a tribute, in my opinion, because, if comics are to be believed (and I see no reason why they shouldn't be), soldiers do nothing except battle against robots, apes, and hordes of the undead. A fearsome task.

So, to celebrate, here are some covers from DC's Weird War Tales!

You'll notice a pattern for many of the covers. WWT follows a simple format for designing their stories.

Step 1: Take a wartime scenario.

Step 2: Add skeletons.

Step 3: PROFIT!

"Swamp Thing, have you lost weight? You look fantastic! Jenny Craig, right?"

I have no humorous comment to add here; I just think it's awesome.

If they're frozen, it should be relatively simple to just go around.

Equipping skeletons with parachutes? And they say the defense budget is wasteful....

Terry Funk comes out of retirement yet again.

War is pretty metal, when you think about it.

"No! Don't bayonet my lap!"

"Something white is emerging from that long, hard tube filled with seamen!"

"Dammit, Frank, we've talked about this...."

Like a skeletonized dog is even going to have the membranes and tissues to track by scent.

It's good to know that those skeleton paratroopers from a few issues back made it down safely.

I don't see what those kids find so fascinating, but then, I never understood the appeal of Yu-Gi-Oh, either.

Editor: "Having soldiers run away from skeletons is old hat. We need something new and exciting to draw the kids in."

Artist: "We could have soldiers run away from skeletons riding dragons."

Editor: "... BRILLIANT!"

It's like if Superman and Ghost Rider had a love child, and now I'll never get that scenario out of my head.

I LOVE Hitler's expression in this one. He's all, "Huh. This is unusual."

When a robot, a skeleton, and John Belushi's samurai character from Saturday Night Live get into a fight, do you know who wins? THE FANS!

It took me a second to figure out what constituted the "weird" part of this cover, but if you look carefully, you can see UFOs there to the right. At least, I think they're UFOs. They might be frisbees.

That soldier always wants to be the centaur of attention! Also, cavalry? I think you could make the argument that a centaur could qualify as infantry, depending on your point of view.

Giant-Sized 100th Post Super Spectacular Blogstravaganza!!!

We're here! This post marks my blog's One Hundredth! Huzzah! Let's have attractive women and booze!

Ms. Marvel actually covers both.

Now, I promised a major announcement, and make no mistake, a major announcement will come. But first, I'd like to look back at the previous 99 posts and share my top ten favorites, along with the occasional pithy comment.

Iron Age Week: Rob Liefeld- This one was a lot of fun to write. Of course, making fun of Rob Liefeld is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel, but it amused me nonetheless. Also, I got to use the word "blasphenomenal", so points for that.

Exciting Business Opportunity!- This might possibly be the strangest, silliest blog entry I've done so far. I came up with on a commute via Septa early in the morning (early for me, anyway), so that might explain a few things. Nevertheless, I really like this one. Also, a friend of mine who doesn't really like comics read this and she thought it was really funny.

Capes to Cowboys and Back Again- This was originally a term paper for a college course I took last year on how the American Frontier is presented. Normally, when I write a paper, I come up with something vaguely resembling a thesis statement and then see where it takes me. With this one, I had a stronger idea of what I would present, my theory being that the Comics Code Authority ruined the Western genre just like it did all the other genres. While doing research, however, I realized that wouldn't fly, as many pre-Code Western comics had already toned down the violence, thanks to the influence of "singing cowboys" like Gene Autry and Roy Rogers. So I went back to the drawing board and wound up concocting a stronger argument when I realized that a combination of media proliferation and changing superhero tropes were jointly responsible for the Western's decline. Me smart!

Kraven's Last Hunt- Many times when I review an older piece, I'll assume everyone's read it, add a comment, grunt, and then go on my merry way. With this one, I actually tried to analyze WHY it's such a good story.

Watchmen Translated!- I've done a few of these Translated ones, but this was the first. I like doing these. I take something someone else wrote, feed it into a program someone else designed, and then take credit for it. Genius. On retrospect, however, I do hope my readers from other countries get that I'm not making fun of people for whom English is a second language.

Racial Sensitivity via Superman Comics- I'd go on to talk about the issue of race in comics a bit more seriously later on, but I like this one. I'm particularly proud (if that's the right word) of "Ku Klux Kryptonians".

Comics 101- This was one of my few serious posts, and I like it. Granted, it's just rambling, but I hope eventually there's a larger body of criticism and analysis about comics. Comics are an important part of our cultural heritage, and I think they deserve a more in-depth look at times. And I'm not just talking about the easy ones, like Maus or Watchmen. I think my Western piece shows that looking at the trends of lesser known comics can bring a greater appreciation and enjoyment of those comics.

Can't Fake Gravity- I haven't posted a lot of my fiction here yet, partly because I'm still holding out hope of getting it published somewhere, but this is kind of what got me to seriously consider making a go out of this writing business. Also, fun trivia fact- one of the titles that I had toyed with for this was "Waiting to X'Hal"; I found it hilarious, but soon realized that others would be confused and annoyed by the title.

Saddle Up- According to Google Analytics, this is one of my top viewed pages, so yay. After all the time and money I spent on that game, I'm proud to say that I managed to turn it into something productive.

And now, last but not least, there's this post....

Comics vs. Pundits- A controversial post, to say the least. In it, I expose the seamy underbelly of Glenn Beck's approach to writing and ultimately claimed victory over the pudgy fearmonger. But it was a hollow victory. I mean, victory without an opponent is like a Scooby cartoon with Scrappy Doo- an unsatisfying sham. Which leads me to my announcement.

I am hereby challenging Glenn Beck to a duel of wits! As a man of honor (he'd have to have honor, 'cause he had that rally to restore it), I fully expect him to accept.

If he does accept, the format of the duel will follow a Best-of-Three format. Round One will consist of a challenge that favors me. I initially envisioned a comic trivia round, but I've been considered a challenge of Who Can Make the Least Amount of Money from Writing. "But wait," you say, "That's totally unfair! Glenn Beck has made millions, and you've only managed to scrape out a meager pittance!" I've considered that, and it's not impossible for Mr. Beck to win. He could plug my blog on his show, or set me up with meetings with his publishing contacts.

Round Two would favor Beck. Perhaps a round of Fake Crying, or Ranting Via Chalkboard. Round Three, should it come to that (and two decades of watching pro wrestling have taught me that it ALWAYS comes to that), would see us on equal footing. Perhaps some phyiscal challenge, as we'd both be disadvantaged, what with him being somewhat plump and me being lazy. Or perhaps we could have a challenge of who's better at creeping out women; though, honestly, I've never managed to creep out a woman on national television.

This is something that I expect everyone can enjoy. For those who hate Beck, it's a chance to see him humbled by a plucky young underdog. For those who are Beck fans, wouldn't you like to see him embarass me after all those cheap shots I've taken at him? It's a win-win.

Because when it's me versus Glenn Beck, do you know who wins? AMERICA!

Halloween Spooktacular!

Hi, all! It's Halloween, so that means it's time to scare up some goofy horror covers!

No, no; that's TOO horrific...

Have we learned nothing from Jack Kirby? Embodiments of Death are only cool if they're NOT on skis!

Hey, it's a Christine O'Donnell comic!

Yes, apparently even Poe's "Cask of Amontillado" is not spared the curse of embarrassing, uncalled-for sequels.

"Hey dere, folks! Can I use yer phone? Dat no good Human Torch tricked me into walking thru some mud, so now I got's to call my buddy Stretch to come take me to Baxter Building so's I can take a shower!"

Q: If his nose is between his eyes, then how does he sneeze?

A: Very carefully.

Well, that's what you get for marrying a furry.

The Grim Reaper is really upset that that route only has an express line and not a local.

Those ghouls must have been trying to explain the ending of Lost.

You know, I'd believe she was trapped in a glass tube a lot better if the logo weren't BEHIND her.

Now, for this next one, I want you to pay close attention to the lady in red....

"Oh, I hate monsters! Maybe if I dyed my hair blonde, they'd stop coming after me?"

"No good! Maybe I should just move?"

"You know what it is? It's the blouse! It's the only one I wear, and it's starting to stink; I'll bet the smell is what's attracting the monsters. I'll go take a shower and change into something else."

I think I saw this on Cinemax the other night....

"They're playing smooth jazz! RUN!!!"

Happy Halloween, folks!

Consult Your Doctor If Your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Hours....

Well, it's election season, and everyone's in a tizzy about this candidate or that one. Now, I had initially envisioned this blog as avoiding politics, but I feel it would be a disservice if I did not comment on the electoral proceedings in some fashion.

Anyway, candidates like Gates and Quislet seem to be the most popular, but that's discounting the proven experience of Cosmic Boy, Colossal Boy or Shrinking Violet, and... What's that? Midterms? No. Oh, my no. No, I'm talking about the Legion of Superheroes elections! Because deciding who should lead a team of superheroes in the 31st Century holds my attention a lot better than the current nonsense that passes for politics today. So, I'll discuss my views, though I'm admittedly not the first to do so.

"Listen up, America! Can we trust Braniac 5? He's the descendant of a killer robot! And where's the money for his campaign coming from? Let's take a look at some possibilities...."

So, here's my two cents on the election to choose a new leader for what is arguably the biggest band of douchebags in the 31st Century.

Yes, being able to shoot lasers from your eyes is "ordinary".

Essentially, you should vote for whomever you want, because in the grand scheme of things it won't matter. Here's why...

1) The creative/ editorial team will just do whatever the hell they want anyway. This isn't the first time DC has gone the polling route. I remember when the relaunched the Titans following Dan Jurgens' run. They set up a poll where you could vote for your favorite line-up and favorite character; the results would determine who would be on the new team. After tallying the results, the new team would be... the original five? Even Aqualad? Bull. We all know that the only incarnation that anyone gives a crap about is the Wolfman/ Perez lineup. However, Devin Grayson was writing the book, and she had a hard-on for the original group, so she'd be damned if she was going to write about anyone else. Truth be told, she could basically write whatever the hell she wanted, as she was dating Mark Waid at the time, who had almost as much clout in the mid-to-late 90's as Geoff Johns does today.

2) The Legion will just undergo a continuity reboot in a few years anyway, meaning this election will have never happened. Since the Legion's creation, conservative estimates suggest that they have been rebooted no less than 37 times. Honestly, Legion continuity is a mess. It's no surprise, though; DC loves to make the backstory of beloved characters as convoluted and confusing as possible (see also: Hawkman). At this point, they may as well change the name of the group to The Legion of Donna Troys.

Now, even assuming that a) DC actually listens to the fans, and b) Legion continuity manages to stay stable for a length of time, there's still a good chance your vote won't matter. Why? Well, that brings me to my third point.

3) In a few years, Judd Winnick will write a story that essentially reverses the decision of the voters. The man simply does not respect the sanctity of 1-800 toll free telephone poll, so can we really believe he'll respect this decision?

So there you have it. A heaping dollop of apathy. All three points probably apply to the real elections, too. Don't believe me?

Devin Grayson wrote that headline; she was inspired after penning some Thomas Dewey fan-fiction on the Chicago Tribune message boards.

Yes, I'm very cynical. But said cynicism stems from what I feel is a gross oversight in the Legion polls. After all, they've left out one of the most important characters in Legion history. Superman/ Superboy? No. Lightning Lad? No. I'm talking about the one, the only... Jamm.

No, "Jamm" with TWO m's.

*Sigh* Never mind.

Anyway, Jamm was one of the many new characters introduced during DC's Bloodline event. He was a kewl skater dude who got bitten by an alien parasite and travelled to the future where he used his newly discovered power of suggestion to engage in a most noble pursuit- convincing hot alien babes to flash their breasts.

Honestly? If I had superpowers, I'd use them to score with women too.

Also, he was a KEWLskateboarder, did I mention that?

Pictured- what DC Editorial circa 1993 thought was cool.

So, this election season, vote for the young, outsider, maverick candidate. Vote Jamm.

This message paid for by the People's Prodigious Platform and the Obscure 90's Characters Union.

He just won't stop....

Uwe Boll. The very name conjures up feelings of nausea. The man has made some of the worst movies ever. It's sad that Mystery Science Theater 3000 ended, because they'd have had a field day with his crap.

Joel, after watching Bloodrayne.

I'd say Uwe Boll is to movies what Rob Liefeld is to comics, but I like Rob Liefeld (even if I do bust on him mercilessly).

The reason I bring this up is because Uwe Boll has a new film in the works: Blubberella. Billed as "the first fat female superhero", Uwe Boll is attempting to do for the overweight what smallpox did for free blankets.

However, much like Glenn Beck, Uwe Boll has made a mistake, and much like Beck, has left a wide opening for me to boot some truth like an enema of justice!

In the late 80's and early 90's, John Byrne wrote West Coast Avengers (later called Avengers West Coast, because Marvel has OCD). This was back when Byrne only dabbled in bats*** insanity, unlike later in his career.

Anyway, Byrne introduced the Great Lakes Avengers. One of said heroes was Big Bertha. Observe!

Oh, snap! I guess Blubberella isn't the first fat superhero at all! Take that, Uwe Boll!

Anyway, this marks my 97th blog post! We are fast approaching my 100th post blogstravaganza! As a reminder, I will have a major announcement! What could it be? Well, I let you in on something: you can find a hint in one of my posts. Will you guess what it is?

Should we call it "The Scarab Gambit" now?

As you, dear readers, are no doubt aware by now, I'm very much obsessed with Disney's Gargoyles. Likewise, astute followers of my blog will notice I've taken a shine to Alex Ross's Project Superpowers series. But did you realize that both have more in common than my adoration?

It came to my attention that both series share similarities in regards to certain characters. In Gargoyles, you have the character of David Xanatos. He's the suave, wealthy pseudo-antagonist of the Manhattan Clan. In P:SP, you have Amon Khadul, aka The Scarab, the suave, wealthy pseudo-ally of the returned Golden Age heroes.

These two characters share many traits; so much so that it's quite possible they're really the same character. Observe the evidence!

1) Both are wealthy, handsome businessmen of Mediterranean descent- Xanatos is Greek, Khadul is Middle Eastern, quite possibly Egyptian.

2) Xanatos made his fortune by selling a rare coin that he came across, then using the proceeds and his natural genius to parlay that into a multi-billion dollar empire. Khadul made his fortune by selling a rare scarab amulet he found, then using the proceeds and his natural genius to parlay that into a multi-billion dollar empire.

"Intriguing. Go on..."

3) Both have incredible aptitude in science, specifically electronics.

4) Both have developed incredibly advanced suits of battle armor that overcome their lack of superpowers.

Though the Scarab's armor is a bit more sleek.

5) Xanatos is a member of the Illuminati, a secret group that secretly controls the world. In secret. Khadul is a member of the Supremacy, a clandestine group that... uh... clandestinely controls the world.

6) You're never sure which side either one is really on.

7) Xanatos hangs out with Goliath, a large, intimidating gargoyle named after an Old Testament strong man. Khadul hangs out with Samson, a large, intimidating superhero who might actually BE an Old Testament strong man.

Now, you're probably saying that these are highly coincedental. That happens in comic-booky type stuff. After all, the X-Men are basically just the Doom Patrol with more popularity and fewer deformities. Well, I've saved the most telling proof for last. Prepare to have your mind blown.

8) The name of the firm which manufactures all of Xanatos's high-tech equipment is called SCARAB ROBOTICS!!!

My mind has been blown!!!

Now, I'm not accusing Alex Ross or any of his collaborators of plagiarism. What I am suggesting is that perhaps he should make a donation to Greg Weisman or any of the other creators of Gargoyles. He can mail the check out to me, I'll make sure they get it. Oh, and make it out to "Cash". Mwa-ha-haaa! (Now why did I type that last part out?)

Also, this is my 96th post. We are drawing ever closer to my epic, 100th post extravaganza. I promise you I will have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! What could it be? Can you stand the suspense?!?

Five Stages

In this era of media proliferation, it's easy to miss news. After all, when all you hear is hubbub about whether or not Christine O'Donnell is a witch (she says she's not, but really, isn't that EXACTLY what a witch would say if caught?), you tend to enter a fugue state.

So, perhaps it's absolutely reasonable then that I missed some sad news. The third season of Batman: The Brave and the Bold will be it's last.

Here is what I went through upon learning this news. By posting it, I hope you readers will be able to cope easier than I did.

Denial: "What? Why? It's a successful, critically acclaimed show! People love it! I love it! Why would they do it?!?"

Anger: "Because Warner Brothers are jerks, that's why! I'll give them a piece of my mind!!!"

Bargaining: "Better yet, I'll see what I can do to spread awareness of the show! I'll post links on my blog, drive up sales... There's no way WB will let it die then!"

Despair: "Except, that really didn't work with Gargoyles, did it? I'm STILL waiting for Disney to release Season 2 Volume 2! WB will probably pull the same kind of nonsense, meaning I'll never see 'Mayhem of the Music Meister' on DVD!"

Acceptance: "Hmmm... When's the Young Justice cartoon start?"