Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hero for Hire for the Holidays!

Since it's the holiday season, one of the things I wanted to do was a Yuletide tribute to Luke Cage. Because, as you know, his catchphrase is "Sweet Christmas!" Unfortunately, there are no covers depicting the Hero for Hire in a Christmas setting, and I've been unable to find any fan art to that effect. You have failed me, Interntet.

So, I decided to do the next best thing. One of my favorite pieces of Christmas lore is "Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." So, I got to thinking, what if Luke Cage had written it? With the help of an online English to Jive translator (real thing, google it if you don't believe me), here is what that may look like. And yes, I'm well aware that this might be the single most offensive thing I've ever done.

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, yo' little homeys is wrong. What it is, Mama! Dey gots been affected by de skep'icism uh a skep'ical age. Dey do not recon' 'sept [whut] dey see. Dey dink dat nodin' kin be which be not comprehensible by deir little minds. All minds, Virginia, wheda' dey be men's o' children's, is little. In dis great universe uh ours joker is some mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared wid de boundless wo'ld about him, as measho' mand by de intelligence capable uh graspin' de whole uh trud and knowledge.

Yeah man, VIRGINIA, dere be a Santa Claus. He 'esists as certainly as love and generosity and devoshun 'esist, and ya' know dat dey abound and cut to yo' life its highest beauty and joy. Slap mah fro! Alas! Right on! how dreary would be da damn wo'ld if dere wuz no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if dere wuz no VIRGINIAS. Dere would be no childlikes faid den, no poetry, no romance t'make tolerable dis 'esistence. We should gots no enjoyment, 'sept in sense and sight. Man! De eternal light wid which childhood fills de wo'ld would be 'estin'uished.

Not recon' in Santa Claus! Right on! You's might as well not recon' in fairies! Right on! You's might dig yo' papa t'hire dudes to watch in all de chimneys on Christmas Eve t'catch Santa Claus, but even if dey dun did not see Santa Claus comin' waaay down, whut would dat prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but dat be no sign dat dere be no Santa Claus. De most real doodads in de wo'ld is dose dat neida' children no' dudes can see. Did ya' eva' see fairies boogeyin' on de lawn? Of course not, but dat's no proof dat dey is not dere. Nobody kin conceive o' imagine all de wonders dere is unseen and unseeable in de wo'ld.

You's may tear apart da damn baby's rattle and see whut makes de noise inside, but dere be a veil coverin' de unseen wo'ld which not da damn strongest man, no' even de united strengd uh all de strongest dudes dat eva' lived, could tear apart. Man! Only faid, fancy, poetry, love, romance, kin push aside dat curtain and view and picture da damn supuh'nal beauty and glo'y beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all dis wo'ld dere be nodin' else real and abidin'.

No Santa Claus! Right on! Dank God! Right on! he lives, and he lives fo'ever. Ah be baaad... A dousand years fum now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten dousand years fum now, he gots'ta continue t'make glad da damn heart uh childhood.

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