Can't we all just get along?

As many of you know, something tragic happened last week in Arizona. I'll spare you all the details, mainly because the 24-hour news cycle has come at this story from every angle they could. Suffice to say, the events of the past week has caused many to take a good, hard look at several issues.

One of the issues that has come up is that of violent rhetoric in today's political discourse. It didn't take a tragedy for anyone to know that things are pretty bad, but it has highlighted just how bad. However, there are some who are putting logic through the wringer to avoid having the discussion.

Quite frankly, violent language in what's supposed to be a civil discourse is wrong. And for those who say otherwise, they should be BEATEN IN THE FACE WITH WIFFLE BATS! THEIR KNEECAPS SHOULD BE SET ON FIRE! AND THEN... THE BEES!

Not the bees!!!

I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES, DRIVE THEM BENEATH ME, AND-

Hold on there, son! You need to simmer down!

What?!? Who said that?

Me! Your Uncle Sam!

What are you doing here?

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it seems you've gotten yourself a bit hot under the collar. Why don't you rest a spell and let me take it from here?

Sure thing, Uncle Sam!*

There now. Our 1st Amendment is a wonderful thing. If'n you don't cotton to the way government is run, you're allowed to speak your piece without fear of being taken to the woodshed. But there are limits. When you start talking about "2nd Amendment options" because you don't like how a lawful election turned out, well, that's sedition, and that gets me all riled up.

We're all Americans and, goshdurn it, we should be more neighborly to each other. Now, I can hear some of you say, "But Sam, it looks like the tragedy in Arizona wasn't motivated by politics, so why should we tone anything down?" To that, I say hogwash! True, that shooter in Arizona looks to be goofier than a rattlesnake with a toothache, but what does that have to do with folks bein' nicer to one another? Just because the house is cold because the front door is open don't mean I ain't gonna check to make sure the back flap on my longer underwear is buttoned up.

Other folks are flapping their gums saying, "But the other side uses that kind of talk all the time!" Well, to that I say balderdash! There's a little thing called the Golden Rule, which says treat folks how you want to be treated. There's no conditions on that rule either. It's a simple enough thing, so I get plum befuddled as to how folks look it over so often.

Short and sweet, we're all just folk. And whether we realize it or not, what we say has a powerful effect. Sure, they're just words, but then, so's what's in the Declaration of Indepence, and there ain't no one who'd say to my face that those ain't some of the most powerful words ever put to paper.

There's a little lady who's an acquaintance of mine by the name o' Starfire. In that cartoon she was in with her friends, the Teen Titans, she once said something that stuck with me: "Your democracy is not merely about voting. It is about compromise. Out of many different people, you make one country. Out of many flawed ideas, you create one that works." And that's what it's all about folks- finding that middle ground in this great melting pot of ours to make one delicious meal. And that meal is called America. Call me old fashioned, but I got a hankering for seconds with a side of biscuits.

*For best effect, please hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" or patriotic tune of your choice while reading. Thank you.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies- A Review!

Today, I'd like to talk about another of DC's direct-to-dvd animated features, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. Adapted from the story by writer Jeph Loeb and artist Ed McGuinness, the story revolves around Superman and Batman trying to blow up a meteor while being branded as outlaws by President Lex Luthor. This film is notable for the voice cast; many of the voice actors from previous series produced by Bruce Timm have returned to once again portray their characters. They are Kevin Conroy (Batman from pretty much everything produced by Bruce Timm), Tim Daly (Superman from Superman: The Animated Series), Clancy Brown (Lex Luthor from the same Superman series, plus the two Justice League series), and CCH Pounder (Amanda Waller from Justice League Unlimited). So, yes, the cast is very good. But how's the movie.

In short, Public Enemies is very, very, VERY gay. I don't mean "gay" in the perjorative sense, mind you. Though I, on occasion, use "gay" as a negative term (mainly because I went to a public high school), in general I think it's in poor taste. The gay and lesbian community in this great nation of ours helps to maintain our cultural diversity, and their contributions cannot be overstated.

When I say that Public Enemies is gay, I mean that the theme of the film appears to be about how much Superman and Batman desperately want to have sex with each other. Now, the original comic had some homoerotic subtext, as has been commented on by very scholarly works, but the animated feature cranks it up to eleven. Public Enemies is like the Elton John Birthday Party of animated features. There's Batman's sudden shift in attitude whenever Lois gets mentioned, for instance. Or, the thrilling conclusion, where the two protagonists shoot each other a look that suggests that Superman is about to crash land his rocket into the Batcave, if you catch me drift.

Now, overall, Timm and company are generally faithful to the original story, though it's trimmed down a bit for time. There are two major changes to the plot, however. First, they changed why Superman is branded an outlaw by Lex. In the comics, it goes a little something like this...

LEX: You know kryptonite, that rock that's basically poison to Superman? There's a HUGE chunk of it coming to Earth that will kill us all; Superman is clearly behind it- ARREST HIM!

Granted, the populace of the DC Universe has never been known for being overly intelligent, but I find this a bit much. In the film, they change it to Superman being framed for murder, and do so in a fairly clever fashion.

The other major change regards Captain Atom. In the comic, he's arguably the most important character after Supers, Bats, and Lex; he ultimately saves the day. However, that would fail to impress upon the viewer how awesome the power of Superman and Batman's bromance truly is, so Cap is pretty much relegated to background duty.

They kept most of the choice bits of Jeph Loeb's dialogue, and there are some great action scenes, but for the most part, this film feels like it's missing something. Maybe it's the run time; it's only about 10 minutes shorter than the average for the rest of the DC features, but it feels really rushed. Or maybe it's because a lot of the big moments have been done better before. President Lex vs. the Superheroes was better on Justice League Unlimited, and Superman saving Batman after Batman saves the world was done better in the Justice League episode Starcrossed.

Honestly, I didn't love this. It's not bad, but I wouldn't recommend buying it. It's good for a rental, but that's about it.

Green Lantern: First Flight- A Review!

Hello, all! I hope everyone had a Mighty Christmas! Anyway, now that the festivities have died down, I've decided to get started on one of my New Year's Resolutions- to get caught up on reviews for the DC Direct animated features. Since I left off with Wonder Woman, logically, the next review should be for the next one in the series, so here's my review of Green Lantern: First Flight.

Now, before we really begin, let me state that I'm not a huge fan of either Hal Jordan or the Green Lantern Corps, and this movie features both in abundance.

With Hal, I don't necessarily dislike him; he's just always come across as REALLY dull. The CONCEPT of Green Lantern is awesome, but Hal is as bland as white bread. He's basically a blank slate of a character who's easily adapted to whoever he's paired with, which is why he's a free-willing guy with Barry Allen, a straight-laced guy with Green Arrow, and a witless punching bag with Batman. (Seriously, Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner have a more nuanced relationship dynamic than Hal and Bats.)

Oh, Frank Miller. To think there was a time when your stories weren't (pardon the expression) bats*** crazy.

Honestly, he was only interesting with Emerald Twilight and beyond. My real hatred lies with the Hal fanboys, who blatantly ignore past continuity and characterization and continue to proclaim how great Hal was. Seriously, they even spent thousands of dollars to clear Hal's good name (but that's a blog post for another day).

So, I don't like Hal, but I don't hate him. However, I HATE the Corps. Every lame alien concept EVER has showed up there. They've had dogs, chipmunks, talking mushrooms, fish guys, and I think something that looked like a carrot, and that's just the tip of the fecal iceberg. The real tragedy of Emerald Twilight is not that Hal went crazy and killed them all, it's that it took him that long to do so. The Corps is awful, and I hate them. Except Mogo. Mogo is the bomb, yo.

Having said all that, I have to say that both Hal and the Corps are used to good effect in this movie. Now, on to an actual plot synopsis.

Hal, hotshot test pilot, gets a magic ring from a dying alien. He's taken into space to meet the Green Lantern Corps, a group of space police, of which Hal is now a member. He's trained by Sinestro who, as luck would have it, is actually EEEEVIL. Sinestro gets a yellow magic ring, hijinx ensue, and Hal saves the day. Spoilers!

Playing Hal Jordan is Christopher Meloni, who you might remember from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The role of Hal fits Meloni like a pair of comfy jeans. Makes sense, as Hal's basically a cop, and Meloni's been playing cops for something like a decade now.

And then there's Victor Garber as Sinestro. I'm not sure what you would call the voice acting equivalent of chewing scenery, but Garber does it marvelously here. Then there's Michael Madsen as Kilowog; he doe a good job, but I get the feeling he just showed up, read his lines, and collected his paycheck. A harsh statement, perhaps, but he IS in the "Anything for a Buck" phase of his career (how else do you explain Bloodrayne?). There's quite a few more name talents in this, but those are the most notable performances.

As for the style, the animation kicks ass, and the artists really go nuts with the GL ring constructs. While there are a few giant fists, generally, Hal is shown to use his ring in a very creative fashion- at one point, he makes a steel chair to whallop an alien criminal (ECW! ECW!). And the climactic final battle is everything you would hope it would be in a Green Lantern feature- giant energy constructs, cosmic whoop-ass, planets getting thrown around... It gives me a shudder of nerd-ecstasy just thinking about it!

Now, some folks have criticized how the film is practically ALL in space. Take this quote from IGN.com's review- "The filmmakers seem less interested in his transition from an ordinary man into a intergalactic superhero, and in their eagerness to get him up into space and fighting aliens right away, the charm of the origin story is somewhat lost." They're absolutely right! Oh, if only Bruce Timm and company had made an animated feature that showcases how Hal goes from test pilot to space hero!!! The folly!

Really, the only problem I have with the film is a little change to the mythology. In the film, when a Green Lantern dies, their rings fly back to Oa. This BLATANTLY contradicts the opening scene, where Abin Sur dies and the ring goes off to find a successor. The whole things seems concocted to sidestep the "Well, why doesn't Sinestro just kill so-and-so when he has the chance?" argument. On the other hand, there's a really neat scene after Sinestro gets his yellow ring and scores of rings start falling on Oa. Still, I don't think that was terribly neccesary.

Overall, First Flight is a solid piece of animation. It's fun, action-packed, and not nearly as violent as previous endeavors (no one vomits blood or gets decapitated; most of the deaths occur off-screen). I may not be the biggest Hal fan, but he makes being green seem easy.

My Christmas List

Hey, all! Hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season as we enter this final stretch before Christmas. I thought I'd share a few items from my letter to Santa. Here we go!

1) A live-action Herculoids movie: Because that would be awesome

2) Gargoyles Season 2 Volume 2: Dammit, Disney, stop being the Grinch who steals my Christmas and release this on DVD already! And while you're at it, renew the license with SLG so's I can get more Gargoyles comics!

3) A three year moratorium on company wide comic book crossovers: I can't take it anymore!

4) Teen Titans: The Judas Contract full length animated DVD: When DC and WB Animation first announced their DC DVD animated features, one of the films promised was The Judas Contract. Three years later, no Judas Contract. There have been plenty of films featuring Superman and Batman, but no Judas Contract! That makes Baby Jesus cry.

5) Romance!: Maybe, this holiday season, some 12th level Mamacita with 18/00 in Intelligence and Charisma, with several ranks of the Attractive feat, will manage to break through the GM screen around my heart, roll a natural 20 on a seduction roll, and thus cause me to fail my saving throw versus love.

Finally, I'd like for Glenn Beck to man up and accept my challenge already! Come on, Glenn! What are you, chicken? Is your name Glenn Beck, or Glenn Beak? Wait, that was terrible. Are you Glenn Beck, or Glenn Peck For Corn? No, that was even worse. Wait, I got it. Is your name Glenn Beck, or Glenn Buh-kawk*! You big chicken!

*"Buh-kawk" is, obviously, the sound a chicken makes.

Big Shot Christmas

The Golden Age series Big Shots (alternatively Big Shot Comics) didn't have a long run, but they did manage to rack up quite a few holiday covers in their hundred or so issues. So, let's take a look-see!

I was really hoping one of those kids would get a hoop and stick.

... Honestly, I got nothing for this one. This cover makes the Mexican Santa Claus movie look sane and logical.

"Santa, this Christmas I want immunity from any lawsuits that might be filed from the creators of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or the Absent-Minded Professor!"

Y'know, if you added just a touch more shadow to this cover, it goes from being a delightful holiday scene to an image from a horror comic.

I'm almost positive that this is how they celebrate Christmas in Japan.

Hero for Hire for the Holidays!

Since it's the holiday season, one of the things I wanted to do was a Yuletide tribute to Luke Cage. Because, as you know, his catchphrase is "Sweet Christmas!" Unfortunately, there are no covers depicting the Hero for Hire in a Christmas setting, and I've been unable to find any fan art to that effect. You have failed me, Interntet.

So, I decided to do the next best thing. One of my favorite pieces of Christmas lore is "Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus." So, I got to thinking, what if Luke Cage had written it? With the help of an online English to Jive translator (real thing, google it if you don't believe me), here is what that may look like. And yes, I'm well aware that this might be the single most offensive thing I've ever done.

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.' Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

VIRGINIA, yo' little homeys is wrong. What it is, Mama! Dey gots been affected by de skep'icism uh a skep'ical age. Dey do not recon' 'sept [whut] dey see. Dey dink dat nodin' kin be which be not comprehensible by deir little minds. All minds, Virginia, wheda' dey be men's o' children's, is little. In dis great universe uh ours joker is some mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared wid de boundless wo'ld about him, as measho' mand by de intelligence capable uh graspin' de whole uh trud and knowledge.


Yeah man, VIRGINIA, dere be a Santa Claus. He 'esists as certainly as love and generosity and devoshun 'esist, and ya' know dat dey abound and cut to yo' life its highest beauty and joy. Slap mah fro! Alas! Right on! how dreary would be da damn wo'ld if dere wuz no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if dere wuz no VIRGINIAS. Dere would be no childlikes faid den, no poetry, no romance t'make tolerable dis 'esistence. We should gots no enjoyment, 'sept in sense and sight. Man! De eternal light wid which childhood fills de wo'ld would be 'estin'uished.



Not recon' in Santa Claus! Right on! You's might as well not recon' in fairies! Right on! You's might dig yo' papa t'hire dudes to watch in all de chimneys on Christmas Eve t'catch Santa Claus, but even if dey dun did not see Santa Claus comin' waaay down, whut would dat prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but dat be no sign dat dere be no Santa Claus. De most real doodads in de wo'ld is dose dat neida' children no' dudes can see. Did ya' eva' see fairies boogeyin' on de lawn? Of course not, but dat's no proof dat dey is not dere. Nobody kin conceive o' imagine all de wonders dere is unseen and unseeable in de wo'ld.


You's may tear apart da damn baby's rattle and see whut makes de noise inside, but dere be a veil coverin' de unseen wo'ld which not da damn strongest man, no' even de united strengd uh all de strongest dudes dat eva' lived, could tear apart. Man! Only faid, fancy, poetry, love, romance, kin push aside dat curtain and view and picture da damn supuh'nal beauty and glo'y beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all dis wo'ld dere be nodin' else real and abidin'.


No Santa Claus! Right on! Dank God! Right on! he lives, and he lives fo'ever. Ah be baaad... A dousand years fum now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten dousand years fum now, he gots'ta continue t'make glad da damn heart uh childhood.

Christmas with the Marvel Family!

So, it's December now, so that means I can officially start being all Christmasy without the Grinchy McScrooges of the world trying to poop on my holiday party. So, at random intervals this month, I will post all manner of Christmas things, from holiday covers, to remembering old goofy tv specials, to whatever strikes my fancy.

I decided to start off this yuletide shindig with a Big Red Cheeselog, with holiday covers featuring the World's Mighiest Mortal, Captain Marvel! For those of you who don't know about the good Captain, this should explain things. Anyway, I love Captain Marvel. When I was a kid, I had one of those children's books with the gold spine (do they still make those? My fellow old fogeys know what I'm talking about, right?) starring Captain and Mary Marvel. A circus train derailed, and the Marvel Family rushed in to save the day. They then stayed on to help put on the Mightiest Show on Earth. It was a fun, whimsical little story, and I've had a fondness for Cap ever since.

So, here are some covers from Fawcett's Golden Age. For the record, while I'll do my obligatory joke, I find the lion's share of these absolutely charming. Here we go!

Santa seems to be enjoying Cap's "chimney" a little TOO much, if you catch my drift.

"Merry Christmas, St. Paul! Go f*** yourself, Duluth!"

You know, I always expect CM3 to say "God Bless Us, Everyone!" Also, who knew St. Nick was a cosplayer?

If Billy and Cap are separate, then they must be at the Rock of Eternity, which can only mean that Giant Santa has come to wreak havoc on the cosmos! FLEE!!!

Santa looks grumpy, probably because this year Cap filed that restraining order....

Now I have a bizarre idea for a story where Gorilla Grodd is taught the meaning of Christmas with Sherlock Monk as Christmas past, Detective Chimp as Christmas Present, and Dr. Zaius as Christmas Yet to Come.

Darn it, Santa, I asked for mint-in-box!

"Put my ornament highest on the tree. Santa's always trying to do something creepy with it ever since I stopped letting him cling tenaciously to my buttocks."

"Darn it, Santa, first you give me a bunch of packageless action figures, then you give me comics without bags or boards! Do you know nothing of resale value?!?"

From now on, I will wish everyone a Mighty Christmas!