Scratch that Witch!

And now, our look at Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch concludes.

 Trust me, I've heard worse solutions to the "I need dates" problem....

 Why do witches even need a car? They have brooms!

 Oh please! Like you need a love charm to attract cats. A dead fish will have the same effect!

 Just like a woman to make a man do all the work, amiright fellas? (Ladies, all hate mail yadda yadda....)

 ... I initially misread Sabrina's shirt as "Boob Power".

 Why is she holding Ron Jeremy's pants?

 A truly inspiring cover about inclusiveness and difference. Which is why Archie Comics waited until 2010 to introduce a gay character.

Remember, in the Archie Universe, the only way to get thin people and overweight people to mingle is via the dark arts.

Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Make Bad Jokes

 Man, Archie Comics gets a lot of mileage out of eating disorder gags.

 Heaven forbid that men have interests apart from fawning over girls.

 ... I don't even want to know what "bat chips" are made from.

 Considering the amount of love potions and love spells running amok, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Riverdale's Special Victims Unit gets a lot of work.

 Oh, come now! Genies invented algebra!

 Please note that one of the banned activities is "fighting", so that means that Sabrina's idea of a good time is inciting people to violence.

This was back when people didn't really understand how microwaves work.

More to come!

Sabrina!

Since I'm on an Archie spin-off kick, I figured we'd continue with that theme with America's favorite abomination unto the Lord, Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch!

 I guess "leaving the decrepit, unsafe house" never occurred to any of them.

 So her aunts are plotting not two feet behind her, and Sabrina's just smiling vacantly. I guess those tight sweaters cut off circulation to the brain.

 The warlocks realize they're men, right? They can just go to Congress, tell their fellow men about the evil witches in their midst, and then get the marshmallows ready.

 ... I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 PLEASE. We all know the first thing Jughead would do if he had magic powers would be to conjure up a hamburger the size of a Chrysler.

 And, again, we have an Archie heroine sending the wrong message to girls about food and body image.

He's hanging upside down so no one will realize they couldn't get Crispin Glover to reprise the role.

The Stunning Conclusion to the Josie and the Pussycats Entries!

 I'm pretty sure every male in the Archie Universe is a girl-crazy lunkhead (with the obvious exception of  Kevin Keller.)

 Oh, Archie comics! Leave it to you to take complex sociopolitical issues and turn them into bad jokes about flatware!

 Yes, promiscuity is a synonym for "lucky" apparently.

 You may think Alexandra is being mean here, but I'm definitely getting a Captain Kangaroo vibe off of Josie's outfit.

 Casting couch jokes aside, please bare in mind that one of the girls in question is HIS SISTER.

And now, hot pants!

 Because the threat of child abuse is funny!

So, she eats like a pig and still has her dainty, hourglass figure? Yeah, THAT won't mess up any young girls reading this comic....

Faster, Josie & The Pussycats, Kill, Kill!

Let us continue our look at the... *ahem* macabre, supernatural adventures of three girls in a band, shall we? (That's rhetorical, mind you; you don't actually get a choice.)

 HOLY S***! Most of the "spooky" covers are of the Scooby Doo "Gosh, gang, we've got a mystery on our hands" style. This one though implies that the characters believe that Josie has been brutally murdered and her skull left in the middle of a festering swamp. That's pretty dark.

 Every now and then, the creators of the various Archie titles seem to just go bats*** nuts. Nothing says "light-hearted teen romp" like armed gunman using the protagonist as a human shield.

 I'm betting whoever receives "The Mummy's Kiss" is gonna need a lot of cold sore remedies.

 And I thought the Native Americans in Peter Pan were offensive....

 You're not too late to save her! She's right there! Run up and push the monster away while someone else grabs her! It's not like he can see it coming!

 ... What the hell is Alan Moore doing there?

 Oh, just give her some Midol, and she'll be back to normal. (Yes, that was a PMS joke. No, I'm not proud of it. Please leave all hate mail in the form of comments.)

So, an ice cream shop with only one flavor? That raises a whole host of questions for a joke that's not particularly funny.

Maybe they're were-creatures...?

My continuing mission to seek out horror comics and make fun of the covers continues as I bring you a series that is rich with the grim and macabre- Josie & The Pussycats! ... Waitasec, Josie & The Pussycats? Let me double-check the Grand Comic Database... Yeah, it's listed as "horror". Huh. Well, I've got to fill up 31 posts this month, so here we go!

 I'll admit that I'm not well-versed on my extended Archie-verse lore, but I was surprised to learn that Alexandra there is a witch. Archie hasn't been very consistent with it's portrayal of witchcraft. Sabrina seemed to be a hereditary witch, while Alexandra seems to be the only one in her family with the mojo. Maybe it's a recessive gene, or maybe I'm thinking way too much about this.

 See? Witch. Also, it's funny because fat kids shouldn't fall in love with hot girls! Ha-ha-haaaa!

 The dress actually looks better, now.

 Okay, this is a little weird. Previous covers have followed the typical Archie comic formula (lame joke), but here the Pussycats are full-out crimefighting. With a banjo.

 Nothing undercuts your special environmental message like not one but TWO bad jokes.

 When you're born with the name "Branewash", you may as well accept that you're going to grow up to be a misanthropic genius with crackpot schemes.

 You may say this is a dismissal of the feminist movement, but considering how other comics of the time treated Women's Lib, this is actually a very nuanced and enlightened endorsement by comparison.

And we're back to the weird. That dude's either some grim specter or just a run of the mill pervert who likes to watch three young nubile girls.

More to come!