Turkey Day Part 6- Fugitive Alien

And now we continue our Turkey Day event with something from Japan, Fugitive Alien. A Japanese TV series edited together into a movie, Fugitive Alien is a great big mess.


The "film" opens with Wolf Raiders from the kabuki planet Valnastar attacking Earth, with all of the clown white that entails. The Wolf Raiders are armed with ray guns and helmets adorned with blond wigs, the functionality of which is never adequately explained. One of the Raiders, Ken (who is twice as strong as other Raiders and ten times as strong as any human), is about to open fire on a young boy when he learns that the lad is also named Ken. This triggers an attack of conscience in Ken (the Raider, not the boy). He gets into a fight with his best friend (who's also his girlfriend's brother), resulting in Ken killing his compatriot. (Get used to this scene; it shows up A LOT in this movie.) Branded a traitor, Ken is on the run. He escapes, and falls in with the crew of Bacchus 3, Earth Space Command's oldest ship.

Let's take a look at the crew. There's Tammy, perky young science officer. There's Rocky, the pilot- loyal and courageous, but also proud and slow to trust. There are two other guys who just generally mill about. Holding this motley crew together is Captain Joe, the cigar-chomping, hard-drinking, two-fisted veteran.

"Do you like gladiator movies, Ken?"

Joe, well aware of Ken's shady past, blackmails Ken into serving with the Bacchus 3.

Meanwhile, Evil Clown Emperor sends Ken's girlfriend, Rita, to kill Ken.

While preparing for their next mission, Joe drinks and mourns his family who died in the Wolf Raider attack, Tammy gets all swoony over Ken, and Rocky tries to kill Ken with a forklift (ole'!). The misfit crew then embarks on their mission, involving two warring planets and a superweapon, or something.

Ken gets arrested on the first planet, breaks out an officer from the other planet, and reunites with Rita, who finds she can't kill the man she loves. She quickly gets killed by an errant shot from some soldiers. Military officer in tow, Ken mourns his love and heads off to complete the mission. Our film ends, but Captain Joe and company will return in Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2!

Ow. That was painful. At least there's a lot of fun segments and jokes in this episode. There's the song Joel and the Bots make up ("He tried to kill me with a forklift! Ole'!"), there's the sketch where Joel acts like Captain Joe, and then there's Jack Perkins. Mike Nelson portrays A&E's Jack Perkins during several bits of the episode, and it's hysterical. This bit was so successful, Mike would reprise this impersonation several times throughout the course of the series, most notably as the host of the Mystery Science Theater Hour (basically, an episode cut in half and shown on weekday afternoons on Comedy Central).

This movie is odd and off-putting, which probably explains why it's such a good episode.

Turkey Day Part 5- Daddy-O (with Alphabet Antics)

Turkey-Day continues with Daddy-O and it's accompanying short, Alphabet Antics.

Alphabet Antics is a series of little vignettes that give words for each letter of the alphabet and a rhyming couplet. The producers for this were obviously struggling; the example for "Q" is "pelican". This is a prime example of an MST3K short; the riffing gets very dark at times.

On to Daddy-O. Crooner/ stunt driver Phil meets a drag racing chick, investigates the death of his best friend Sonny, and keeps his pants cinched to just under his ribcage. During the course, he busts up a drug-smuggling ring headed up by a big doughy guy and a guy with really thick glasses. A short synopsis, but there's not a lot going on in this film.

This is a good episode, but not quite up to the level of previous Season 3 episodes. The sketches are fun, the riffing is good, and then of course, there's the fact that the show's end credits get interrupted several times, cutting back to the Mad Scientists in Deep 13. It's HILARIOUS.

Turkey Day Part 4- Pod People

And now we come to one of my favorite episodes of not just Mystery Science Theater 3000, but of anything EVER- Pod People. Strap in, because this movie is all over the place.

Some poachers are out in the woods poaching when a meteor crashes to earth. One of the poachers investigates and discovers a rookery of sorts for alien eggs. He decides to start smashing eggs like a teenager on Mischief Night. However the mama alien shows up and kills him.

Meanwhile, young Tommy, friend to animals, finds said cave and the last remaining egg. He takes the egg home to raise.

Meanwhile, a terrible pop group is laying track for their latest single. Their music is so awful, it makes me long for the mellow, feel good sound of the Insane Clown Posse. Anyway, they wrap up and leave to go camping in the woods.

Meanwhile, the two alive poachers are still poaching.

Meanwhile, the egg hatches and Tommy names the little alien baby Trumpy. Trumpy quickly grows to be as large as Tommy.

Meanwhile, terrible pop group is in the words. Problems arise when lead singer Rick's girlfriend Shari is mean to Rick's other girlfriend Laura. Laura runs off in a huff. She runs into the poachers, who make her run more, then runs into Trumpy's mom, who makes her run off of a cliff. Terrible pop group finds Laura and rushes to the nearest location- Tommy's house.

Meanwhile, the poachers- ARGHH! I can't take this anymore! Just sitting here trying to write a plot synopsis is causing a sharp, needle-like pain in my right arm. Short version, 75% of the cast gets killed, Trumpy's mom gets killed in turn, and a sad Tommy sends Trumpy away.

This movie's never sure what film it wants to be. It vacillates from horror to charming family fare and back again. It doesn't help that the monsters look absolutely ridiculous. Take a gander.

AHH! Hideous! ... And I suppose the aliens are bad too.

At least Ro-Man the Ro-Man was large. These things look barely able to throttle a sick cat, let alone all the people in this movie.

Anyway, this movie brings gets the cast firing on all cylinders. The sketches are all good (and oddly enough, all but the very first have some sort of musical element) and the riffing is sublime. Seriously. My buddies and I still regularly quote the jokes in this movie to each other. I think it's even surpassed The Simpsons in how much it gets referenced.

And then there's the stinger. Starting in Season 2, MST3K would have a clip of the movie at the end of the show's credits; said clip would usually be the most ridiculous or weird scene. The stinger of this episode, to me, embodies everything a stinger should be- short, sweet, and summing up the theme of the film. In Pod People, the stinger features Rick, holding up the A-OK sign and proclaiming "It Stinks!" A truer statement of the film simply cannot be provided. "It Stinks" became one of the shows running gags, and was used multiple times in this episode and many thereafter. Hell, I myself have used it many times, usually with the picture of Joel. I remember when I was writing my review for S*** My Dad Says and was looking for a picture of Shatner. I found one of Bill making the A-OK sign and new what joke to make. It's like God himself reached into the internet and said, "Do it. Make the Pod People reference." And I did.

Pod People is easily, EASILY one of the greatest episodes of the series. And if you think it's not that good, well then there's only one way to describe your opinion....

IT STINKS!

Turkey Day Part 3- Cave Dwellers

Turkey Day (or is that Turkey Month?) continues with a beloved episode from Season 3- Cave Dwellers. It's the second in a series of Conan knock-offs (The Barbarian, not O'Brien), and the only one of the series given the MST3K treatment.

First, there's the credit sequence, as it actually contains scenes of an entirely different movie. Many of the films from Season 3, such as Pod People and Stranded in Space, have something similar going on (all three as well as a few others, were all reedited and released by a company called Film Ventures International, so at least they were consistent). Anyway, onto the actual plot. Boring old wise man Akronus has invented something called the Geometric Nucleus; it's function is never adequately explained, but it's one of those "must never fall into the wrong hands" type of item. However, it's about to, as evil warlord Zor invades the old guy's castle. You can tell he's evil, because he has a long droopy mustache.

Old Guy sends his hot daughter Mila to find Ator- warrior, philosopher, and large-muscled individual, who is currently training with his mute Asian man-servant Thong. Mila arrives, tells them about Zor, and soon Ator, Mila, and Speed-O are off to set things right. On the way, they fight cavemen, ghosts, samurai, and a giant snake puppet.

Eventually, the three finally make it to the castle. Mila and Banana Hammock use the castle's secret entrance while Ator takes on Zor's troops with nothing more than his swords. Oh, and a hang glider and some grenades.

"I'd explain, but it's very confusing."

Ator kills Zor and, taking the Nucleus, gives a stoic goodbye to Mila and Loincloth. Thankfully, the film ends.


This is regarded as a stand-out episode, and with good reason- the riffing is hilarious. The movie's quite absurd, and it gives Joel and the Bots plenty to work with. The host segments are more witty than funny, though the last sketch is quite good. All in all, Season 3 of MST3K hit the ground running with this episode.

Turkey Day Part 2- Godzilla vs. Megalon

Our Turkey Day event continues with a look at Season 2's Godzilla vs. Megalon. Now that we're in Season 2, the series is starting to hit it's familiar beats, and this is probably one of the strongest episodes of that season.

Anyway, in Godzilla vs. Megalon (not to be confused with Godzilla vs. Megatron, my crossover fan-fiction script wherein the Decepticons invade Monster Island), the ancient civilization of Seatopia, angry about undersea nuclear tests, decides to destroy the surface world. Their plot begins when they target an inventor named Goro, his kid brother Roxanne (or son, the movie's not terribly clear on this), and Goro's *ahem* "bachelor friend" Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy.

Why? Because Goro has invented a robot named Jet Jaguar. Seatopia needs said robot to guide their monstrous servant Megalon to destroy Japan. After some destruction, Goro regains control of Jet Jaguar. In a shocking twist, JJ has achieved sentience, grows to tremendous size, and goes off to fight Megalon. However, Seatopia has also sent Gigan to back-up Megalon. After getting Ricky Morton'd for a time, all seems hopeless for Jet Jaguar, but Godzilla (finally!) shows up. The two lay the smackdown on the monsters and save Japan. Seatopia retreats, Godzilla leaves, and Jet Jaguar returns to normal size to hang with his new family. There's a message about undersea testing in there somewhere.

As far as MST3K episodes go, this one is really strong. The riffing (especially during the monster tag team match) is excellent, and the sketches are almost all top notch. The invention exchange (a staple from Seasons 1-6, wherein Joel or Mike show products and then the Mad Scientists show theirs) is notable; it's a thing about DIY Halloween costumes. One of said costumes is to adjust a milk carton, but it on your head, and go as a missing child. Costume companies ACTUALLY MAKE THIS NOW. The first host sketch is a little weak (more cute than funny) but the rest are good. Even one of the fan letters read at the end (another staple of the Comedy Central years is that fans would send in fan mail, and they'd read them on air at the end of an episode) is hysterical.

And then there's the Orville Redenbacher sketch. Most of the sketches are drawn from the fact that the gang is watching a giant monster movie. Not so sketch 3. It's odd, mean-spirited, dark, and absolutely hilarious.

Overall, Godzilla vs. Megalon is ridiculous good fun. Even the monsters enjoy it!

"We like it very much!"

Turkey Day Part 1- Robot Monster

Let us start the Turkey Day festivities with Robot Monster and it's two accompanying Commando Cody shorts. This is a Season 1 episode, and S1 is always a little weird to watch. Tom Servo's voice is different, for starters (Josh Weinstein was Servo in the first season, and Kevin Murphy was Servo for the rest of the series' run). Moreover, MST3K was only about a year removed from their public access days, so they were still sorta finding their place. This is one of the standout episodes from those early attempts.

Before we get to the main event, we get a double shot of installments from the film serial "Radar Men from the Moon"- Flight to Destruction and Murder Car (lease or buy your 2011 Murder Car today). Fun sidenote- this is the film serial that Kathy Bates' character refers to in Misery; I can see why she was crazy.

Anyway, moon men have begun to infiltrate Earth, using their moon ray to cause havoc. Unfortunately, they run out of start-up capital. Now, many small businesses would try to increase revenue via sales or loans; the moon men, however, decide to have their Earth criminal lackeys try to obtain funds via kidnapping and payroll heists, making the Moon's business model only slightly less evil than modern bank practices (zing!). Commando Cody, a poor man's Rocketeer, continually foils these shenanigans.

Now, onto the main event. A young boy is playing in a cave while on a picnic with his mother and two sisters. While exploring, he comes across two archaelogists. Mom and older sister Alice chide young Johnny and take him back for a nap. However, Johnny plays possum and goes to the cave again. He quickly falls down. When he wakes up, things have taken a turn for the worse. ("You lay down for five minutes....")

Apparently, Johnny is one of the last survivors on Earth. The one archaeologist from the cave is actually Johnny's father and a prominent scientist. With his wife Johnny's Mom, hot daughter and scientist Alice, rugged assistant Roy (the other guy from the cave), and Johnny and younger daughter Carla, they are the last vestiges of the human race. What happened? Well, I'll tell you.

The planet Ro-Man, populated by Ro-Mans (or Ro-Men, the film flips back and forth on this) send their top agent, Ro-Man, to wipe out humanity. Ro-Man has many tools at his disposal, including a death ray to kill everybody, a view screen to communicate with the Ro-Man leader Great Guidance and intercept Earth transmissions, and a bubble machine, the presence of which is never adequately explained. This is Ro-Man, by the way.

Behold, the Destroyer of Worlds?!?

Yeah. Terrifying. Anyway, why hasn't he managed to kill off the last six people on Earth? Well, apparently, the Professor came up with a universal antibiotic vaccination that coincidentally also immunizes against death rays (so, don't listen to Jenny McCarthy or Michelle Bachmann, parents, not if you want your children to survive the inevitable alien apocalypse).  Great Guidance informs Ro-Man that he can, you know, just beat them to death, as their bunker isn't far from the cave that doubles as Ro-Man HQ.

The family tries to negotiate with Ro-Man, but to no avail. Ro-Man still wants to kill MOST of the family. I say most, because Ro-Man develops feelings for comely Alice; you could say he's looking for Ro-Mance (ba-dum-tsh). Ro-Man kills Roy and young Carla and kidnaps Alice. He tries to rape Alice, but the remaining family comes to the rescue, and then Great Guidance says "screw it" and just blows the whole planet up. Dinosaurs show up, for some reason, and the human race dies. Or do they?!?

Johnny wakes up! It was all a dream. His father, the Professor, is actually the archaeologist he just met, and Johnny would like to fix him up with his single mother. And you thought this film had terrible writing. Well, it does, just not in the way you initially expected. The group retires to have more of their picnic lunch, when suddenly, a host of Ro-Mans emerge from the cave. Is it an actual invasion? More Freudian imaginings from the mind of SEVERELY DISTURBED Johnny? I don't care, the film's over.

I watched this the other day, and later, at work, I suffered a mild fever and muscle aches and fatigue. I blame the movie. The actual riffing of the film is very good (though not quite as polished as it would become in later seasons) and their are at least two really fun sketches, including one where Joel hits Tom Servo with a chair. Overall, Robot Monster is good just because it's SO ludicrous. Enjoy it with your hu-man sense of hu-mor.

Turn Down Your Lights (Where Applicable)

I've made a few references to it in previous blog posts, but never really went into great detail about one of my favorite shows of all time- Mystery Science Theater 3000. For those not familiar with it, here's the basic premise (and if you want more info, google it)- a guy, stranded in space, is forced to watch bad movies and makes humorous jokes with the aid of two robot sidekicks. That's the gist of it, and over ten years, two networks (Comedy Central and Sci-Fi Channel), and numerous cast changes, it pretty much stayed the same.

 I first found MST3K in 1990 or so (I believe The Amazing Colossal Man was my first episode) and I was hooked. It warped my fragile little middle school mind. Many people say, "Oh, this or that had such an influence on me" but in my case it's true. I'll often make bizarre, absurd comments at things I see that I think are funny, even if everyone else thinks they're obscure or off-putting (which is most of the time).

This funny just had such a quirky, sarcastic, endearing sense of humor. Whether it be during the theater segments where the riffed on the movie or the host segments where they put on skits often (but not always) inspired by the film, this show would make you laugh.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, back in it's Comedy Central days, MST3K would engage in a Thanksgiving Day marathon. Since it's November and Thanksgiving is coming up, I decided to continue this honorable tradition and watch a selection of episodes throughout the month and list my thoughts on both the film itself and the actual episode built around it. As an added bonus, I will list any unusual effects the film might have on me.

Now, some of you might be saying, "You're mad!"

"He's mad!"

Perhaps you're right. But, I like the hell out of the show, and it's my blog, so get ready for some turkeys. Up first will be Robot Monster. Stay tuned!